Remembrance

I am writing today from my heart.  I have no political or social motives, nor do I have any claim to the solution to the brokenness of this world.

One cannot help but be moved by the Sandy Hook tragedy.  As I have watched media coverage along with the rest of the country, tears have come as I, too, am devastated by this loss, especially of so many small children.  I was touched by an interview I heard with one of the teachers describing how she heard the gunshots and ushered her kindergarten class into the corner for “story time” and preceded to read them a book.  Heroes are uncovered when tragedy strikes, and for every horrific act, it seems a multitude of individuals respond by doing something good.  Though it cannot bring back lives that were lost or take away the pain and grief so many are facing, it does offer a glimmer of hope.

When reflecting on loss of life, I cannot help but think about Kenya and the hundreds of people around the world who die each day from malnutrition, disease, and war.  The difference between these lives lost is that no one will see their story on television, their pictures rarely make the papers, and their families will not receive an outpouring of support and condolences from a heartbroken country.  On one hand, I am grateful these daily tragedies are not consistently covered by the media because I am not sure any of us could emotionally bear some of injustices that people around the world face.  But by keeping these realities out of sight, we have reduced human life to statistics.  We vaguely know the impact of HIV/AIDS, malaria, decades long civil wars, sex trafficking, female genital mutilation, famine & starvation….but we are hesitant to allow ourselves to get emotionally involved.  I include myself in this “we”….even though I do deeply care about those suffering around the world, there are times I just cannot bear to read or watch anything about another place or another issue, because I already feel so burdened by the slums of Kenya.  I think this is where we have to trust that as we seek the Lord, He will guide our hearts to the places and issues and the people we are called to care about.  No idea where this line originates from but I like its concise, powerful message…..you don’t have to do everything, but do something. 

Imani Care International is my response to what I experienced in Kenya.  As many of you know, starting a nonprofit organization was not what I had originally planned or hoped to do.  Yet that was the direction God was pulling me, and once I surrendered my own ideas, I caught a vision for Imani and things really just began to fall into place.  Though a huge part of how ICI will help to support health in the Nairobi slums is through financial resources….I am equally, if not more, passionate about giving a voice and an awareness to individuals…amazing people I met who have given me so much as I pay witness to their lives of determination, sacrifice, perseverance, and faith in the midst of some pretty horrific circumstances.  Probably the thing I most look forward to about returning this March is to be able to hear more stories and affirm the humanity that we all share.  Not everyone can, will, or even should go to Kenya, but it is my responsibility to share those stories and to give remembrance to lives that are lost.  

I was jokingly asked how much it would cost for someone to get the clinic to name something after them.  The truth is…it’s not about the money, it’s about the relationship.  They are not some people in Africa I send money to from time to time.  They are a second family, people I talk to on a regular basis and share the joys and sorrows of life with.  Peter, Francesca, Hadijah, David…they are my friends.  I cannot wait to be reunited with them and look forward to sharing their stories with those who have generously supporting Imani.

The Unspoken

Being a nurse is really hard.  Since I have started working, every time people ask me about my job or how I like being a nurse, I find myself internally debating how honest of an answer to give.  I usually respond something like "It's a lot to learn, but I like it" or "I really enjoy being able to see the same kids and families over a longer period of time."  Both of those are true.  But that is only a small portion of what I really want to say.

I never really knew what a nurse (in the 21st century) did until I went to nursing school, despite wanting to become a nurse years before.  And until I actually got a job and starting working on the floor, I did not know truly know what it was like to BE a nurse.  Yes, nursing is one of the most trusted professions...a profession where they make little pins and mugs and things that say "Nurses are Angels."  I knew I was entering a career that many before me have found to be rewarding and satisfying, and of course, the salary and benefits weren't too shabby either.  Aside from several school lectures about "burnout" and "compassion fatigue," I entered the world of nursing somewhat oblivious to the complexities of providing holistic care.

So what is all of this prologue leading up to?  I have been on my own for about a month now, and several nights ago I admitted my first patient coming in with a suspected cancer diagnosis.  When the charge nurse informed me of the patient I would be receiving in the middle of the night, my initial focus was on what type of care plan to prepare and which room they would be going into.  Yet when the patient and family arrived, it hit me that this was a pivotal moment in their life.  As I looked into mother's eyes, I saw the immense fear and the intense anxiety that accompanies the unknown.  I saw her trying so hard to be brave for her child, who had not been told anything.  I made it through my initial assessment, charting, and explaining general hospital things, and left them to settle in.  It wasn't long before my co-worker came by to inform me the mother was standing in the hall on the phone crying.  My heart sank.

My head told me....Alyssa, she is on the phone, let her be, you don't want to interrupt or eavesdrop or try to pretend like you have known this woman longer than an hour.  Plus what if she asks you a lot of questions?  What do you know about any of this?  What is she finds out how new and inexperienced you are?

My heart disagreed.  She needs to know she isn't in this alone.  She doesn't need a lot of words, she just needs someone present.  Go be the kind of nurse you have longed to be.

So I went over.  I pulled up a chair.  I took her hand in mine.  I don't remember who spoke first or really anything that I said.  I just know I held her hand and I was there.  As much as I wanted to break down and burst into tears, the drive to be fully present for her held back the floodgates.  And so the night progressed, and I was their nurse for the following two nights as well, walking alongside them as they went through the diagnostic procedures and eventually the confirmed case of cancer.  On one hand, I know this is only the beginning...that I will experience similar scenarios with other kids and their families.  But it will not ever become normal or routine.  The day it does...I will need to stop.  For that family, it was the worst day of their entire lives.  Everything changes....and there is hardly a moment to take it all in, as treatment starts almost immediately.

The juggling of the head and the heart, the balancing act of dividing your time between 4 patients while trying to be 100% present for each one, the long hours, the unpredictable schedule, the learning curve coming from school, the constant feelings of inadequacy and many fears....it is not easy and after some shifts, I never want to return.  But the thing thus far that keeps me pressing on is that brief moment when the mother introduces you to her relatives as "our great night nurse" and gives you a big hug.  Somehow those 10 seconds make up for the exhaustion, tears, and doubts.  I don't know how long I will work on this unit or even at a U.S. hospital...but I do know that wherever the road takes me, I want to be present and share the unspoken.

Flowing Streams

I am quite tired as I write this, but it is one of those times where I have this sense of urgency to blog.  Several thoughts...no carefully thought out theme or blog title.  Believe it or not sometimes I will just be going about my day and out of nowhere I will have the title of a blog come to me, or I will start to mentally write out a blog post in my head...  But none of that today...just some insights into my heart as I reflect on the past several weeks of life.

I realize this is the third time I am posting this picture...but I guess I just wanted the opportunity to write a little more than a Facebook caption.  Now, I had no idea this existed until a Canadian couple I am in contact with visited Imara in October.    I was very excited to see new pictures of the clinic, but this definitely was a shock.  On one hand, it's one of the most touching and incredible things I have experienced.  I mean, who wouldn't want to be honored in such a way?  Some people pay millions of dollars to get their name on a building. A lot of times people don't get their names put on anything until they are dead!

On the other hand, I feel very undeserving of such an honor.  I could not have done anything that I have done thus far in my life without the grace and faithfulness of God, and I want him to receive the honor & glory above all else.  Plus, I believe the people of Kenya, especially those at Imara, have given me more than I could have ever given to them.  I hope to cherish and honor them, just as they have done for me.

The underlying message this represents is what is most encouraging to me.  We have a friendship, a partnership...we are in this together.  I knew that if I really was going to move forward and start a non-profit that it must be on the foundation of supporting and partnering, and not going and doing.  The truth is...I am not really very equipped to provide healthcare to Kenyans, as much as my heart does desire to.  I do not speak Swahili.  I did not grow up in the African culture.  I know very little about tropical diseases.  But, the lovely part of it all is that God has used both my strengths and weaknesses to help support the wonderful, wonderful things that are already going on in Kenya.  And that is why it is so exciting for me to extend that opportunity to others through Imani Care International.

As I was driving to work this evening, I heard this guy on the radio say something that really struck me. When I was at the next red light, I found a piece of paper and quickly wrote it down, so I wouldn't forget.  He said in regards to how we use our money/possessions/resources/influence, we should want to be "flowing streams of blessing, and not stagnant pools of entitlement."  Think of that one for a moment.  I never fully understood the concept of generosity and the joy of giving until recently.  You would think that as I am trying to start a nonprofit I would be saving up my funds exclusively for Imani...and honestly, that was my original intention once I started receiving a "real" paycheck.  But from that first paycheck...God just began rewiring my heart.  And there just have consistently been situations and opportunities that have just plopped themselves right in front of me....and I know my heart has changed because I am just so eager to give and so excited to watch God redistribute what He has blessed me with.  I don't want to be stagnant....yes, I want to be wise and there is wisdom in saving, but there is just something so freeing about not being attached to money!  And not viewing it as exclusively mine, to benefit me only (or even my own organization).

I guess my challenge for myself, and maybe for you as well, is to give with absolutely no expectations.  Sounds easier than it really is.  That means when you are helping a friend out through a tough time, you don't do it because you want to ensure they will return the favor.  It means you don't always expect people to pay you back or make them feel indebted to you.  It means donating to things even if you cannot get a tax-write off.  That means if we want to be "flowing streams," our generosity really should never stop...it's not just a season or a time of the month or a stage of life.  That means giving even when you have already "tithed" for the month.  It means letting go of something...whether it be time, money, material things, control....and expecting nothing in return.  It's freeing.  And more likely than not, God will just entrust you with even more to give :)

Tears

The past 2 nights I have made several of my patients cry- that is to be expected as I am the bearer of the needles, the icky tasting medicine, and waking them up during the middle of the night.


But my patients have made me cry too. Of course, when I say cry, I really mean a tear or two is shed and then I must hold it together...knowing that in some sense I have to be strong and save my emotional moments for a setting off of the floor.  No, none of the kids hurt my feelings nor did any of them crash. In fact, all things considered the shifts have been smooth....busy enough to stay awake, but not so busy that I can't sit down for a few minutes every now and then.


The tears come when I hear (from report) or read (from the chart) parts of their stories and realize I, as their nurse, have become a part of their story...even if just one or two 12 hour shifts in the months, even years of intermittent hospital stays, rounds of chemo, weeks of monitoring. It's not just about their diagnoses. With my limited knowledge about the complexities of the floor I work on, knowing the cancer subtype carries little meaning to me. It's when I come to find out a patient who has yet to reach their 2nd birthday is being placed on palliative care. It's the patient who has been at the hospital, not for medical reasons, but because there was no foster home to discharge them to. This was also the patient who told me that I did not look like a nurse-in-training because I had the name badge and the right outfit on. This 7 year old assured me I looked "ready to take care of patients all by myself."


It is not all sad; in fact, remission rates for many childhood cancers are quite high. But these kids are not statistics. Each of their experiences here changes who they are and who they will become. I pray the experiences only make them stronger, believing they can make it through all of life's challenges and knowing what it means to show compassion.


So we revisit the question Do you love your job?   My current answer (and hopefully my lifelong answer) is I love these kids. No, it is not like being a nanny because you typically aren't thought of as the "fun" person. There are not fun outings, gift-giving, game-playing, craft-making....but there is a definite sense that you are playing a part of walking that child and their family through this detour, a change in course that can be quite lengthy. You hope and pray that eventually they will be back on track, but a part of you knows that some of their journeys will end before then. I have always considered it a privilege to be there for people in their most vulnerable times, when they need it most, and it is an honor to be able to come to work to do just that.

The Jasmine Doll

Typically I don't post twice in the same week, but this story deserves its own blog.

As I was at the local Christian bookstore in the greeting card aisle, I overhead a conversation between a young girl and her mother.  The girl, about 5 or 6, stated to her mother, "I want to give away Jasmine."  This statement caused her mother to pause for a moment, before replying, "Your NEW Jasmine doll??  The one you JUST got for your birthday??"  The child seemed puzzled as to why her mother was asking these questions, but replied with assurance, "Yes!"  At this point, I was eager to hear the mother's reply.

"But you just got that doll.  Your aunt gave that to you.  I was thinking you could give away some of your old toys...your baby toys, not your new toys.  You love Jasmine."

As I begin to share my thoughts on this, please know I do not condemn this mother, because I could have easily been in her shoes.  In fact, I think the mother's response was the human response, the way all of us naturally want to respond.

The mother and daughter walked out of my ear's range, so I did not hear or see how the daughter responded.  However, this conversation really had an impact on me, and even a week later, I continue to think about it.  It reminded me immediately of the woman who poured her perfume over Jesus' feet (a story shared in 3 of the 4 gospels).  The disciples were frustrated, even angry, by this woman's actions.  Why did she waste such money on such expensive perfume?  She could have helped the poor!  Besides, who did this woman think she was, coming up to Jesus like that!  In the same way, this mother could not accept that her daughter selflessly wanted to give away her Jasmine doll.  It wasn't because she didn't love this new doll she was given; in fact, I believe it was because she loved this doll so much that she wanted to give it away.  Yet her mother was resistant.  It could be because she was worried the aunt might find out the doll was given away.  Or she was worried her daughter might change her mind, and did not want to risk having to buy a new doll.  Or maybe it was a bit deeper than that.  Could it be she was uncomfortable that her daughter was willing to sacrifice something as dear to her as Jasmine??  What would the mother's equivalent be?  Her new outfit?  Her jewelry?  Her car?  Maybe she couldn't bear to donate the almost new Jasmine doll along with her out-dated, thoroughly used clothes. All of this is speculation, of course, but it really got me to thinking.

What is my Jasmine doll?  And would I give it away??  As Christians, we can be the worst hypocrites.  We love to take about sacrifice and being generous, yet most of us have made it into an equation, a line-item in our budget, a tax deduction.  When is the last time we gave away something we actually liked?  Or something we actually needed?  When is the last time we "gave until it hurt"?  Isn't that what sacrifice is?

Now that I am making a sizable income, I really fight between wanting to give away every penny and trying to be "financially responsible."  It can be a fine line sometimes...God gave us wisdom and knowledge for a reason, but I also believe he wants us to "give until it hurts."  And giving is so much broader than the box we put it in!  It's not just donating to charities once a month or participating in a food drive at the holidays.  It's giving of our time...it's calling that friend who always has drama in their life and just listening.  It's giving of our money...not just picking and choosing what we feel like giving to, but asking God to lead us to opportunities.  It's giving of our resources....no it is not bad to give away our old clothes, but sometimes I think there is so much more we could do with our homes and our possessions...maybe having more people over or letting people borrow things...knowing they may mess them up or forget to give them back.

As I just started a nonprofit, I am both excited and reluctant about the aspect of fundraising.  I have never been afraid to talk about causes I am passionate about and asking people to consider being involved.  However, now that the cause is one that I specifically started, I do feel a bigger sense of insecurity.  I am a firm believer that God will move people's hearts to be generous.  It is not my place to tell people that they need to give money to a specific organization or that they can afford to give more.  I was not called to raise money; I was called to share stories about Kenya and provide a way for people to be involved, should they so chose.  One thing that I have realized this week is that I don't want my giving to be exclusive to Imani Care International.  I still want to be involved in other people's passions and ministries.  And I am so excited and so blessed to have the resources at this point in my life to do so.

Night Shifts, Naps, & Nonprofits

And so it begins....


I had my first three night shifts on the floor this past week.  I am exhausted, despite almost two whole "recovery days."  It is not just the fact that I am physically tired....I am mentally and emotionally drained.  I don't know how it is with other jobs and transitioning from school to the "real world" but in my case, none of my clinical experiences adequately prepared me for the complex conditions that the kids on my floor have.  I keep telling people that the unit I am working on basically requires me to do all the things I wasn't allowed to do in nursing school....central lines, blood transfusions, narcotics, lab draws, chemotherapy....  Needless to say, I am learning A LOT.  I will be learning a lot for a long, long time.  The hardest part is you know you aren't supposed to know everything and that you will make mistakes, but you just pray that the mistakes you make will not harm a child....its not like making someone the wrong drink at Starbucks....

Everyone wants to know "Do you love your job?"  Well, I don't see that as an easy question to answer, especially after such a short time.  The best answer I can give is...I think eventually I will.  The truth of the matter is at this point everything is just overwhelming.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but everything is new, you are desperately trying to cram in all this new information while still using your basic clinical judgment, and converting all of your adult clinical experience to pediatrics, and trying to ask the right questions and do things safely....there just isn't enough time or energy to really fully embrace the moment.  I mean, of the 13 hours shift, I probably had maybe 15 minutes where I felt I could really be present with my patient and not be thinking about 58556 other things....  I know it will take time...and I have to be patient with myself, but at the same time, you don't really want to ever let your guard down so much that you aren't double checking all the things you really need to.  I just pray that every shift I will have at least one moment that reminds me, okay this is why you are doing this, and so far that has been the case.  One patient shared about how hard it has been for her to have her disease and in those few minutes, I felt like my presence actually was making a difference.  And I think that is really what nursing is.  A lot of busyness and chaos and running around like crazy...but also those tender moments of making a difference in your patients' lives.

What keeps me going through all of this....the nonprofit....Imani Care International.  Hopefully in the next month or two, I will have a website to direct you to, in order to give you a more comprehensive picture of what Imani Care is all about.  God has been so faithful in bringing things together to make my dream a reality.  I am still in the process of wading through some of the legal paperwork, but all things considered, everything thus far has moved faster than I could have hoped for.  A number of people have really gotten on board to help...a graphic artist is working on a logo, a college student is helping with the website, my attorneys have been wonderful, the board of directors has been extremely flexible and encouraging...  I continue to be in contact with those at the clinic in Kenya and they continue to encourage me and remind me why I am doing all of this.  I am hoping to be able to make a trip to Kenya sometime in the January/February time frame....I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this topic with my supervisor...but I do have peace that God wants me to continue to invest in Kenya, even while I am working here in the States.

I am reminded that following God's call is not necessarily suppose to be easy or always enjoyable.  It's hard to put yourself in a position of truly having to trust in God's strength and faithfulness to bring you through each moment.  And it's kind of ironic...but starting this nonprofit I had no previous experience or education, and am essentially doing it all by faith....and I have found a lot of joy in it.  And of course, nursing I have been working towards that for years and had plenty of education and preparation, and it is the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done!  Ha Ha!  So there you go :)  But I will press on and continue to take in all that I am supposed to learn through it all, and live for those moments of joy....

Three is a Magic Number

Yesterday was a big day.  For whatever reason, I had a feeling that I would find out about the status of my nursing license and nonprofit organization on the same day.  It has been a couple of weeks chalked filled with good news and reason to celebrate...1) I have a job, a wonderful position that I have dreamed about since I was 12 years old, 2) I passed by board exam and now am officially a registered nurse, and 3) Imani Care International now exists as a public benefit corporation.  [Is this real life??]  


Last night I was so excited to blog because I had been waiting for the "big three" to actually happen.  I began drafting the contents of the blog post in my head (which I often do), but kept coming up short in terms of the title.  The title....I always put this unnecessary pressure upon myself about the title of things.  I know the impact of first impressions and when it comes to the written word...the title is like a magnet...and you hold it is positioning to the side that draws people in (and not repels them!).  Yes it is just my personal blog and at the end of the day, I could title the post "Thursday" and it wouldn't matter.  One day I would like to write a book, and I anticipate the most difficult aspect to be deciding on a title and design for the cover.  It seems like one of those things where you only really get one chance....to knock it out of the park...or strike out.  In watching the Olympics, specifically gymnastics, I cannot imagine what it must feel like to spend years working towards something, and in a couple of moments having that dream, that aspiration fade away.  And with Olympic gymnastics...it's rare that you get another shot at it.  {This is all headed SOMEWHERE...I promise!!!}


On the radio the other day, they were sharing this little story about a lady in the scrapbook store commenting that she was "saving all of her good stickers."  Apparently the store clerk overhead her and essentially scolded the woman for hoarding and not living in the moment.  When I heard it, I immediately thought...oh no....I save my "good" scrapbook stuff too!  Of course, the story really isn't about scrapbooking supplies...though it made me question what project I am saving the "good" stuff for....  It's about the way we approach life and our willingness to put ourselves on the line, take a chance knowing we may come short, but resting assured we did not leave a stone unturned.  Use the nice dishes!  Go on that vacation!  Stop making a bucket list and start doing it!


When I think about the events that have taken place in the couple of months, it is hard to believe that I am only 22 years old.  But God always reminds me that our days on this Earth are numbered and there is no time like the present to move forward on what you are called to do.  Since junior high, I wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse.  Sometimes I would mention this to my peers and they would look at me confused...not knowing what I was talking about.  This dream stemmed from a combination of my love of children, my encounters with people who had battled cancer, and my deep desire to help people.  I held this dream close...imagining a life of me moving to TN and working at St. Judes and maybe even making it on one of their commercials someday..haha  As I volunteered at the children's hospital in high school (the one I now am employed by), I loved every moment of it and knew it was what I wanted to do.  This dream stayed strong through the first 2 years of college.  Everything was on track.


And then God asked me to give it up.  Stab in the heart.  He started asking me to think about serving internationally.  I remember saying...God I will give you a couple weeks a year....I will go on missions trips...I will volunteer, but don't ask me to move there.  Don't ask me to give up everything.  Oh we wrestled...it probably took at least 6 months before I would even consider the idea of moving overseas.  At that moment, I was in the planning stages of my much anticipated Kenya volunteering time.  See I did want to go to Kenya.  I love travelling and I knew I wanted to go spend time there.  But I wanted to do it on my terms and I still didn't think it was going to be something I would be invested in for life.  And then I got there...and my heart was forever changed.  All of the sudden, I couldn't imagine doing anything else with my life but loving those people in Kenya and providing healthcare.  Now I was thinking Okay wow God, now I understand why you are sovereign and your plans are perfect.  I will give everything to stay here and be with these people.  


Beware of the moment you think you have everything figured out.  It should caution you.  So I came back...wanted to do nothing with the U.S. and had my sights on going back...to be a Mother Teresa figure in Kenya.  And then God asked me to give that up.  What???!!!  I thought this is what YOU wanted God.  I finally have seen these people through your eyes and now you are going to just rip that away from me???    I was devastated.  I couldn't believe this.  As I write this, I am reminded that anything we hold too closely can become an idol, can become something that keeps our eyes off of the Lord.  So I let it go.  I didn't let my passion, emotions, and love go, but I let go of the plans and ideas I had in terms of what the next chapter of life would look like.  And it gives me chills to write this...not long after I let it go....I got it back.  Yes, I was handed it back and told okay now start a nonprofit!  Oh my my my...God you are FUNNY!  I can't do that.  Me??  Start a nonprofit??  I never took a business class in my life!  Find someone else to do that...I just want to love people and be a nurse!   


Well fast forward...and I got everything my heart desired and MORE.  Both of my dreams came true, though they are constantly evolving, changing, morphing, and I try my best not to hold them too closely.  I am blessed.  And because of that, I want to be a blessing to others.  Both here and abroad.  And so the adventure continues....and what an adventure it has been.

Standing In Awe

Though it has only been several weeks since I last blogged, each day has been packed full of answered prayers, leaps of faith, and doors swinging wide open.  In the midst of the whirlwind, I now take a moment to stand back in utter amazement.  Where to begin..


Well, let's start with the picture to the left.  Peter sent it to me this week- it is the newly renovated clinic, complete with a reception desk!  You may remember that a van crashed into the front of the clinic back in the winter, about the same time I was seeking birthday funds for the clinic.  The renovation you are looking at is a direct result of the generosity of many family and friends.  So thank you, from both me and many grateful individuals in Nairobi.


Next on the list....do I have a job?  When am I taking my board exam?  Am I a real nurse yet?  The answers are not yet, in several weeks, and no.  Until yesterday evening, I had not yet received my authorization to test from the state of California.  Every day that passed without that anticipated email increased my stress level, especially as the board of nursing's recorded message stated they are no longer accepting phone calls.  As anxious as I was to be cleared to take my exam, I definitely was enjoying the true summer vacation and used the "down time" to pour myself into nonprofit things.  So I will take my board exam on July 23 (meaning I better start actually studying) and then hopefully apply for and receive a nursing position at the children's hospital.


Alright enough about that...on to the exciting stuff!  I had the opportunity to meet with several attorneys a couple weeks ago, and by God's grace found a firm that got my vote.  I have been attending two community education classes: Grantwriting and Developing & Managing a Nonprofit.  I enjoy them both, and have met some interesting people.  The timing of taking the classes and not having a job yet so I can attend the classes is no coincidence.  This week I took on the project of going through my room at home and turning our spare room into my office, or what I like to jokingly call "headquarters."  I guess all those office supplies I have been hoarding may actually come in handy...


So what is next?  Well, I am begininng to recruit a board of directors, will file the articles of incorporation soon, and will continue to seek advice in order to develop a thorough organizational plan.  I have a newfound appreciation for a variety of specialities including web design and accounting.  There are many skills which I can teach myself enough to get by.  I do not think creating the webpage is one of them. 


I know this is getting long and my sister has probably stopped reading paragraphs ago.  I must acknowledge the faithfulness and provision of God in all of this.  There are many examples I could share but most recently I was just praying for God to show me if I was supposed to move forward with the nonprofit, and if so, to make it clear.  That same day I received a check I had forgotten about in the mail and a good friend asked me to come and share with a group of people that weekend.  Then today I received an email about Seattle Pacific's global health exhibit at Seattle Center that I had been interviewed for about a month ago, but had not thought of much since.  When I saw the picture of me with Blessings, I just thought this is why I am doing all this.  This is why I am walking in faith into a world totally foreign to me.  This is why even though I have no homework or tests that I gladly stay up late into the night working on various tasks.  This is why I still can look at pictures from my trip and cry.  It reminds me of this quote a friend shared with me....God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  Be encouraged, my friends.

Goodbyes & Hellos

Since I returned from Kenya 9 months ago, I knew I was reluctantly coming back to the U.S. to finish nursing school for the sake of everything that I saw and experienced.  When I came to college, it was for me.  I wanted to get a degree.  I wanted to be a nurse.  I wanted to have a career and build a life for myself.  But God broke my heart for something else.  I am grateful for Seattle Pacific University and nursing school for propelling me forward to live out what God has called me to.  Yet my graduation cap commemorates the real reason why I finished the hardest season of my life- for the beautiful, gracious people in Kenya who stole my heart.

What's next?  That is the question of the hour.  Although there was a period of time when I desperately tried to avoid the answer to the question altogether, I am slowly finding peace as God's still small voice continues to reassure me and reveal small portions of His plan of me.  The big question people ask: When are you going to Kenya?  The best answer I can give is in the Lord's time.  I honestly do not know when I will get to go back.  I do think that the next trip I make will be for several weeks, and not a permanent move.  God has been leading me down a road I NEVER envisioned myself taking- starting a non-profit organization.  I always thought I was entering the "helping profession" so I would not have to be in the middle of the business world and constantly crunch the numbers.  Well- you quickly realize healthcare is one of the biggest businesses there is, and to truly make a difference, you cannot avoid the politics, legal aspects, and red tape altogether.  So I enter this new season completely admitting I am not equipped, prepared, or confident, but I am trusting God wholeheartedly and continue to wake up excited about the prospect of working towards a sustainable solution for the clinic.

I look forward to the opportunity of continuing to share my passion and vision with more and more people as I begin the long road of starting a NPO.  If it were up to me, I would pack my bags, buy myself a plane ticket, and go to Kenya, figuring out a way to stay there.  But that is not what is best for the clinic, for the patients, for me....and God has just shown me that so clearly over the past few months.  But He knows my heart.  He knows I can't not do something.  He knows my heart is going to be broken for the rest of my life, as I think it should be.  So He led me down this new path...one that will be really hard, but I believe extremely rewarding and I now cannot imagine not doing it.

To everyone who has played a role in bringing me to this moment of graduation, thank you.  "Thank you" does not fully capture everything that I want to tell you, but know that I fully recognize I could not have done this without all of your love, support, and prayers.  And do not fear- you will get that same opportunity in this next season of life!  I will need all the help, encouragement, and support that I can get to start a NPO.  But as for now I let the words of one of my favorite songs, "Dream Big" capture my emotions...

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way
And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

Truth & Light

I stumbled upon a Facebook page entitled "Mukuru Slum News."  I was excited to have another first-person source of information from a place half a world away.  Then I read the byline "Telling the truth about Mukuru is hard but not telling the truth is even harder."  That really got to me.  I have always felt that as a human being knowing about the suffering other humans are going through is my responsibility, possibly even my calling.  When I see this picture, I think not only about the livelihood of those two children.  I think about that source of water, what organisms are in it, what diseases they are at risk for.  I think about what kind of school they are going to, how many years they will have the opportunity to learn, and what their ambitions are.  I think about how many people in Nairobi know that there are thousands of people who lives in the slums, with the potential for an entire generation to be completely abandoned and deprived of the basic amenities.  But I also see hope- I see a glimmer of light.  I am encouraged that they are wearing school uniforms, and hopefully that even a meager about of education will inspire them to dream of a better life.  I see resilience and courage, cultivated out of necessity, but important traits that will carry them through the rest of their lives.

With three weeks left of nursing school, I cannot believe that I have almost reached the light at the end of the tunnel.  For anyone who has known me over the past several years, you can verify that I verbalized wanting to drop out and concluding that I couldn't do it countless times.  It has been a really challenge, but I've made it and I have to say only by God's abundant grace.  He must REALLY want me to be a nurse, because if I had anything to do with it, I would not have come this far.  A lot of people have asked me what I am doing next.  Although my entire being desperately wants to return to Kenya as soon as possible, I realize that my work and contribution would be far more sustainable if I can save and raise more money and start a non-profit before returning.  Even writing that out brings tears to my eyes because my heart longs to just be in community with my beloved Kenyans.  I never thought that God would call me to sacrifice by staying in America....ironic huh?  So I will be looking for a real job in California and beginning to work on starting a non-profit.  I can definitely say these are God's plans and not my own because I would have never imagined taking this road.  In most ways, I have absolutely NO idea what I am doing, but that is what keeps me depending on God.

So as my formal education comes to an end, the door to lifelong learning swings wide open.  Even though essentially nothing about college has gone the way I had hoped or planned, I am grateful for all the experiences that have led me to where I am today.  One of my greatest inspirations Mother Teresa said these words that I will end with:

"There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter.  We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, too much pain.  Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call and answer in extraordinary ways."

Be Kind

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." 
-Plato


I have always been amazed by God's grace to teach me important life lessons when I am a distracted and selfish learner.  The quote above has been one that has left an impression on me ever since I first heard it.  I often tell people that the very best friends I have in my life are typically people I initially do not have positive interactions with.  I think I tend to make a lot of assumptions about people when I first met them, but once I get to know them, there are very few people I do not get along with.  There is something powerful about knowing someone's story, their situation, their experiences.  Yet I am reminded that everyone has a story, whether or not I have read it.  Let me share several examples from this week.

I summarized this first interaction in my facebook status.  As I was coming home from clinical yesterday, I was in a minor fender bender accident.  A woman backed up without looking in her rearview, and I did not have enough time to get out of her way.  As I watched her back into my car, I remember thinking how I really did not have time and energy for this, and thought about how she should have just looked in her mirror! (which is extremely selfish since my driving track record is far from flawless).  I waited for her to get out of her car, but after a minute, I decided to get out myself to assess the damage.  The damage was superficial, paint scratched off, just cosmetic really.  She slowly opened her door, and at this point I noticed two young children in the back seat, one of whom was crying hysterically.  The woman walked over to me and was just sobbing uncontrollably.  I immediately forget about the fact she was the driver who had just hit me, and put my arm around her and proceeded to repeatedly tell her "it's okay."  As more tears flowed, she shared that this was a rental car, that she is visiting from Europe, that her son had a high fever and she didn't know what to do, and how awful her day had been.  I assisted her in calling the rental car company and tried to explain what a claim was.  I kept saying, I just want to make sure you are okay.  And I meant it.  I wish I could have said I would have responded that way had I not known what she was going through, but the truth is, I probably wouldn't have.  After some further reassurance and ensuring she had a doctor to take him to and a place to go home to, I got back in my car and continued on with my day.  I felt really blessed to have been hit.  I know that sounds weird, but I will always remember that interaction, and how only by God's grace to me was I able to extend love to her.  And it was so powerful.

This week at clinical, I had a challenging Monday.  My patients were not receptive to care, and both of them expressed to me how much they disliked being "bothered" by me.  It is a hard place to be because there are certain things as a nurse you must do to care for the patient, but they may involve disturbed their sleep, poking them, asking a lot of questions, etc.  I just tried to keep telling myself, do the things you have to do for them and do them cheerfully, and as you leave their room, just give them to the Lord.  Yet I still kept feeling unfulfilled, and selfishly, I think we all want to feel appreciated for the work that we are doing.  But I was humbled, because it really isn't about me.  And everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.  And in all honesty, I am not sure I would enjoy people coming in and out of my room while I am sick and just want to be left alone.  Coming to the hospital on Tuesday, I just was not feeling it.  I was sure it was going to be another horrible day (I can be dramatic....).  Yet it turned out to be one of the best clinical days I have ever had.  I had an awesome nurse- she really was my heaven-sent angel.  Of my three patients, two were absolutely delightful to care for.  My third one threatened to fire me :)  But the uniting factor in all of their situations was they had these incredibly stories.  And I naturally enjoyed listening and conversing with the two that openly shared.  Yet my heart still felt for my unhappy client.  And instead of being upset with him, I just thought to myself, Alyssa, he is a man who feels like he has lost all control, over his life, his body, what is happening to him.  All he has left is the words he exchanges.  And if by saying "you're fired" gives him a small amount of control back, then let him have it.  Let him fire you.  Once I let that go, I was able to be so much more present for my other patients and just filled with a love and a curiosity about this gruff man.

Finally, today I also dreaded going to community health.  (Yes, I guess me dreading things r/t school is a common theme).  But I was so blessed by the women we got to interact with.  They were so gracious and even though we were "serving the community" by spending time with them, it was their wisdom that so deeply touched me.  One woman apologized to me for smoking.  She then assessed me and said I bet you don't smoke, do you?  And I looked at her for a moment and said, You know, had I been in different circumstances and lived the life you have, who says I wouldn't be smoking too.  And she smiled and said I first smoked a cigarette down in Texas because some of the kids threatened to beat me up if I didn't.  As we continue to spend time together, I was humbled and convicted.  Here I was having a great time, laughing, joking, talking with these women.  Yet how many times have I looked upon this same demographic with scorn, with judgment, with preconceived notions about the lives they lead.  I finally began to understand their lives.  I took some steps in their shoes.  As we bused to the food bank, as I stood in line, I momentarily was thinking okay how am I suppose to carry all the food back to my house?  Of course, I wasn't getting food, and when I shop, I put the groceries in my car.  But I thought, wow, I am finally starting to see some of the realities of what its like to depend on government and charity-related resources.  A lot of people have good intentions, but there are still a lot of obstacles for homeless and low-income individuals to climb.

In light of so many lessons learn by spending time with people, studying for a pathophysiology exam seems a bit futile....:)

The Next Step

"Faith is taking the next step, even when you cannot see the entire staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

I don't know what I am going to do once June 9th arrives. Yes, I will graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. Yes, I will then have to study to take my board exam, and eventually become a licensed RN. But after that...I just don't know. I don't want to work in a hospital. I don't want to just get a job to say I have one or bring home a pay check. I really want to start a nonprofit. I want to go back to Kenya. I want to go back to the slum and give those kids a big hug. I want someone to yell out "muzungu" and point and laugh. I want to drink tea sweetened with milk and sugar. I want to vaccinate new babies and reassure their mothers that they will grow up protected for diseases like polio and measles. But ultimately, I want to do God's will.

Despite my complete fear and trepidation related to going to clinicals at the hospital, God was so faithful to me. Yesterday I had a big opportunity to love on a woman who really was being overlooked and set aside by the rest of the staff. I was in a position where I had plenty of time to listen and reassure, and I know it was time well spent. It is a horrible thing to have a patient tell you that "everybody is ignoring me and don't take me seriously." There is a lot of grace involved in nursing- patients do not necessarily behave in ways that deserves good nursing care but you do it anyway. You set aside your own judgments and conceptions and agenda, and you provide the best possible care for that person. By the end of today, I somehow was managing a full patient load (under the supervision of a patient and competent nurse). After taking on a more official role as a "nurse", I just come to realize more and more that what I love is just being with the patient. I love getting to know them. I love reaffirming their thoughts and listening to their griefs. I see it as such a privilege that these people I have never met trust me to care for them, often in very intimate ways.

God's blessings have come in other ways as well. Last week, I received a donation for the clinic from a woman I have never met. I was overwhelmed that someone who believe so strongly in my own passion and vision for Imara that they would be willing to donate some of their finances. I was also blessed to receive a beautiful letter from a girl I use to babysit who now lives in Britain. In her 9-year-old cursive, she recollected her days of life as a "year 4" and just reminded me of the simple joys of life. My sister is currently serving the Lord in Africa and I am just so excited to be able to connect with her when she returns.

My whole life I have had a plan. In the past months, I have let more and more parts of that plan go as I yield to the Lord's will for my life. I have had to learn what faith really is. Faith isn't drafting the plan and going to God for a stamp of approval. So what is my next step? I can honestly say "I don't know, but God does." And for now, I will continue to watch the staircase unfold before me, ascending one step at a time.

Raindrops

Since moving to Seattle over 3 years ago, I have never appreciated the sun so much. Even a few hours of clear blue sky and the chance to wear flip flops is a celebrated occasion. Yet I can appreciate the gift of rain as well, growing up essentially a desert. When I first heard Laura Story's song "Blessings," I do not think I truly identified with what she was singing with. I liked the song, enjoyed the words, and it struck something within me that made me want to cry. But I cannot say I really, deep within me, understood some of the lyrics like:

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

For the full song, go here: Blessings video

However, after living through the past 6 months of life, I feel that song was written for me. I have been angry, I have questioned God's goodness, I have cried, I have doubted, I have felt betrayed, I have lost sleep, felt pain, and wondered where in the world God could be. Of course, all of those experiences emphasize the very selfish and human nature that resides within me. Sometimes I wonder why it is that God can be so faithful time and time again, yet it just takes one hard time, one bad experience for me to doubt His entire character! And I never deserved any of His goodness and blessings in the first place! I don't think the song is just about seeing the glass as half full or finding the good in everything. I think it is acknowledging that life is hard, even hell-ish at times, but that just reminds us how much we need God. Unfortunately, we live in a society and a culture that promotes self-fulfillment and sustainability. We long to be on our own and have all of our ducks in a row. We don't want to have to share or ask for help or admit that we are not self-sufficient. But why would we need God? I am really good at trying to control things on my own. And God likes to rock my world...steer my car off the paved road...

"We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home." If we could rid ourselves of all pain, suffering, and trials on this Earth, then the promise of eternal life in heaven would mean nothing. I often am convicted by the lives of the disciples and how willing they were to live a very difficult life. They never expected things to be easy or comfortable or enjoyable. Yet they lived and walked with the living God. They experienced healings, new life, the power of the Holy Spirit. They did nothing to secure themselves a better life here on this Earth- everything they did was for the kingdom to come.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

Truth be told- I have no idea what is going to happen after I graduate. I don't just mean I do not know when I am going to sit for my board exams or which hospital I want to work at. I mean I don't even know if God is calling me to get a nursing job. I don't if I will stay in California, or even in the United States. I, personally, want to completely freak out about this. How can I possibly just not know? After 4 years of university, why do I know less about what I want to do than I did walking into college? Yet I feel a sense of freedom that I have never had in my life. My college degree does not define or limit God's plan on my life. Is it scary? Well yes! But God has ALWAYS been so faithful in my life, and I know that He is preparing me for something. Knowing God it is probably bigger and something I would have never dreamed of for myself :) Stay tuned.

Letting Go

A good friend of mine emailed this quote to me, and told me it made her think of me. It is quite fitting, especially if you knew me before college. I had a lot of plans. Of course those plans changed with time, as plans and dreams tend to do. In kindergarten, I simultaneously wanted to attend Harvard and be a waitress. At that time, I did not understand the notion that people had to actually pay for the food they ordered. I just thought it would be great to be able to give hungry people food. I had my phase of wanting to be a teacher, and then an author. By about junior high, I was pretty convinced that I wanted to be a nurse. Of course, I did not just want to be any nurse. I wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse that worked at St. Jude's Children's Hospital in Memphis, TN. Even writing that just now makes me laugh, because I was so set on that plan. I was convinced that it was exactly what I was suppose to do, and I wanted to do everything within my means to make it happen. There was the first red flag: trying to do it on my own terms with my own means.

When people ask me now what I am going to do after I graduate in June, for once in my life, I tell them "I don't know." It's not that I haven't thought about it or that there aren't things that I desire to do. It's just that I have finally come to the place where I am surrendering my plans to God. The only place I really want to be is the place where God leads me to. And at this point, God keeps telling me to be patient and focus on the current task at hand. Growing up, there was so much emphasis on what you are going to do later on...the goal setting, the career counselors, the college visits & planning & applications. I am guilty of continuing this tradition as I sometimes find myself asking the little ones I nanny for what they might want to be when they grow up. But how often do we reinforce to children, to our friends, even to ourselves, that it is important to live into exactly where we are right now. Yes, I want to go to Kenya and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about it. I recently found out there have been some evictions in the slum that have negatively affected one of the schools I visited this past summer. When I look at the canvas pictures on my wall, my heart breaks to think that those tender faces are now being faced without a school and possibly without a home. When I received the birthday card in the mail from the clinic, I cannot adequately describe the overwhelming joy and hope that I experienced. But as of now, I am called to be here, in Seattle, finishing school. And that isn't always easy for me to accept. I sometimes joke about making a weekend trip to Kenya (which literally would not be possible), but my heart just longs so much to see the people and the country that I love so much.

As Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." If I hadn't been here finishing school, I would not have had the privilege of raising money for the clinic...which thanks be to God currently totals around $1,400. For everyone who has given so sacrificially, I am so thankful and pray that God continues to bless you.

So today...I will camp at Starbucks, catch up on homework, and embrace the opportunity to learn.

Baby Steps

What About Bob is one of my favorite movies. (As my housemates know, I enjoy quoting this movie often!) One of the lessons the psychologist Dr. Marvin shares with Bob is to set small simple goals, or take "baby steps." So often in my life, I want to know the ultimate destination. I want to have a well-thought out plan, a detailed map, and multiple reference sources to gain insight from. I am not very good at "being spontaneous." Even this morning, I have a detailed list of things that need to happen between 6:00 am & 12 noon. Yet I think about the idea of taking baby steps and what that requires. It forces you to focus on the present and be in tune with what is right in front of you, not miles out or kilometers behind. Baby steps are intentional and allow you to spend a greater amount of time and energy in the present.

I want to sprint to Kenya. I want to fly through nursing school. I want to run through the long to-do list set before me. But what do I miss when I inhabit that sort of mentality? What is God doing to prepare me for the adventures ahead in the here and now? Is it worth it to miss the little things...tucking a child into bed, sharing a candy bar with a friend to catch up on each other's days, taking the time to work out and make applesauce pancakes?

I am slowly and surely growing into the woman that God is going to use in Kenya. I believe that (at least most days). I have been so blessed and encouraged by the response of family and friends in supporting me with donations for my birthday. Praise God almost 700 dollars has been raised (and it's not even my birthday yet!) I continue to be in contact with the people at Imara and I am always encouraged by the words they write. Peter sent me these words yesterday, "Be assured that everything you do is not in vain and God will surprise you soon." I hope I continue to put myself in a place of constant trust and excitement to serve the Lord above all else, in whatever capacity that may be.

The Least of These

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40

Mother Teresa cautioned, "One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody." In this day and age, it can be hard to imagine how someone literally could have no one who cares about them. We live in a world where people have hundreds, even thousands, of people on their "friends" lists. Not to say accepting a Facebook friend request equals lifelong buddy, but the majority of us have a large circle of people who are a part of our lives. With technology and transportation advanced, very rarely do we ever find ourselves alone. Even if we physically are the sole occupant of a room, we connect via text messages, email, Skype, and are assured we will reunite with our family and friends within a short amount of time. Many of us have not just one, but many people we could call upon in a time of need. The friends who would give you a ride should your car break down. The friends who will answer the phone at 4 in the morning. The family members who would take you in should you find yourself out of housing and on the streets.

Where am I going with this you may ask?

This week, I saw some of the hardest things I have seen since being in nursing school. I am currently in the midst of my psych rotation and spent some time at a hospital that admits involuntary patients. I would have to say it was more heartbreaking than any wound, injury, or infection I have yet to witness. Even with the sickest of patients, I have never felt like their needs could not ultimately be met, even if it meant a peaceful death. Most of the time, when people are in the hospital, visitors, flowers, cards, balloons, and teddy bears occupy their otherwise sterile environment. In the psych hospital, I saw 1 visitor. Now despite your judgments as to whether or not these people deserve or need to be there, they are still human beings. Watching them sit in a bare room staring blankly at the community TV, gazing longingly out the window, surrendering their belongings, their identity, their medical care, and their humanity to a system and really a society who tells them they are not worth it...it brings me to tears even now. And the thing is...this is so much better than it was even a few years back!

I had so many questions, even more frustrations, but ultimately just had to surrender all of their lives to God. On my drive to the hospital on Wednesday, I listened to the hymn "I Surrender All." In the same way I have had to surrender the lives of all of the lovely people I met back in Kenya to the Lord, I had to give up these individuals too. I can't help them in the way that my heart desires too. Truth is, I do not think I am cut out for that kind of work. Even the staff that truly care are caught up in the red tape of the medical and legal world. Yet I will never look at a person with schizophrenia or bipolar or whatever other label we have the same again. Some of them literally have no one in this world. No one they can call up and cry to. No one to give them a hug. No one to go home to at night. No one who cares whether they have a warm place to sleep or not, There are people like that all over the world. The greatest suffering is not physical pain or a disease process- it is the scars of rejection, the wounds of abandonment, and the toxicity of feeling unloved.

In all the chapters I have read, assignments I have completed, clinical hours I have attended...no one ever tells you how to cope with helplessness. We are taught there are always nursing skills and objectives that can be utilized and that all patients have one or more nursing diagnoses. Still, I cry out to God and say, "I cannot do this. It hurts way too much." And God says, "Oh good, you are beginning to experience my heart for humanity." It's not about being a nurse. It's not about an career or education or human position that has been created. It is about accepting God's love for us and learning how to love others. Especially others who cannot yet love you in return. The sacrificial kind. The kind where you don't get your money back, where there is no rebate offer, and all things considered, it is not a good deal. But it's eternal. It's real and it breaks you. It shows true colors and it magnifies intentions. I don't naturally possess that kind of love. But God does. And where I am weak, God is strong.

Safety Net

In 1859, 25 cents could buy you a view of Jean Francois Gravelet crossing the Niagara Falls on...a tightrope. Not only did he succeed, he went on to cross the falls many times, adding in challenges such as walking on stilts, pushing a wheelbarrow, cooking an omelet, and carrying his manager on his shoulder! Talk about faith. The whole idea seems absurd to me, yet there's something about this guy I find so intriguing. What compels someone to risk everything? I imagine for him the thought of doing something that no one had ever done, perhaps something no one felt was even possible. You know how in school they always ask who you would invite to a dinner party if you could invite anyone...past or present? Well I am adding this guy to the list...

So why the whole tightrope, faith thing? I was reading Jesus Calling and was struck by these words. "I want you to be all mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in me alone- not in other people, not in circumstances. Depending on me may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath: the everlasting arms. So don't be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to me. I am always before you, beckoning you on- one step at a time."

I've spent my whole life being afraid. Afraid of not being good enough, not being loved, afraid of losing friendships, afraid of not performing to the level at which I felt was expected. Living in fear is a life of bondage. It's far more than dependence on a safety net. It's more like never even stepping out on the rope. I am the girl who spends family ski day curled up in the lodge. When possible, I avoid driving. I worry that I may not wake up so I set 3 alarms. Yet, the thing about faith and giving yourself up to God...you don't really get to say "God here is all of me, except I still will decide whether I am going to do this or not." God is calling me to do some stuff that requires I completely surrender myself to him. It doesn't really make rational sense, it isn't the most plausible of things to do, it comes with a whole lot of unknowns, in my life- it really is the ultimate tightrope. Still, God asks for all of me. So I pray I will have the courage and the faith to completely surrender to his will. If I am going to risk my life, then I most definitely want to risk my life for the One who created me, the One who sustains life.

Pressed, but not Crushed

I received this photograph in my inbox yesterday. It felt as though this vehicle had similarly crashed into my heart. Thankfully, no one was injured, just some structural damage to the front wall. Of course, my instinct is to see the glass as half empty, contemplating the worst case scenarios, wondering to myself why this had to happen, grieving over the thought that money will have to be spent on construction before it can be spent on medical supplies. Yet God patiently reminds me that He is in control and that I must trust in Him. If I don't trust him for something like a car running into a wall, how will I be able to trust him when even bigger things come along. I am reminded of the verses in 2 Corinthians that say, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted byt not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed." I believe those words hold true not only for the clinic, but for me as well. The road that I am on has been anything but a walk in the park, yet God is still God, faithful and unchanging.

Leaving a trail

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation." -Jesus Calling

I struggle with not knowing what is coming next. The majority of my life thus far has been fairly predictable. As an infant, you sit up, then you crawl, then you stand up, then you walk. After preschool comes kindergarten, followed by first grade and so on. After high school, it's expected that you attend a college of some sort. And I guess now as my graduation from college nears, I am suppose to start thinking about getting my first job.

The only problem is...I don't want to follow this paved path. I love the quote "Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Only problem is- that is really a hard thing to do. To break the norm, to go where no one has ventured, to do something that everyone tells you is crazy or not the sensible option. But I think sometimes that is exactly the thing that God calls us to. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see my power and glory at work in the situation. In the New Testament, Jesus literally asks his disciples to drop everything to follow him. And they did! They left their jobs, their families, their homelands, their comfort, and they followed Jesus. And as much as I long to go back to Kenya, ultimately I pray that I will desire to follow Jesus, whether that be to Kenya or not. I do not want to live the "normal" life. I want to experience all of what God has to offer. And I know it to be true that the harder circumstances are, the more I am forced to rely solely on God, and not on myself and not on what this world offers.

I received this picture of these precious twins from the clinic. Their names are Stephen and Blessing. Stephen was breech. Peter wrote to me saying, "In ideal situations this complex delivery would have taken place in a well-equipped and established hospital. But by God's grace we conducted the deliveries safely and the twins are doing fine." From my perspective, these twins are a miracle. In the states, this likely would have been considered high-risk, been a mandatory C-section, and the twins probably would have been given numerous interventions. Yet, they were delivered in a very small room with minimal equipment and maximum faith. And God showed up. It brings me to tears even to think about this- but that is the kind of life I want to live. I want to come to a place where I trust God for everything, and live a life that witnesses his power and glory.

Time is a trainer. Yes it is. The months since I have been in Kenya have without a doubt have been the hardest time of my life. It's hard to describe exactly what about it has been so hard, but I just feel like a part of me is missing and I am still struggling to function without that part. I never expected it to be so emotional or so difficult to resume my life here. In fact, I remember as I was leaving being worried that I would transition back to American life too quickly and just kind of forget about the impact Kenya had on me. But this time really is teaching me a lot. It's stripping me of everything, putting me in a place of complete vulnerability with no one to cry to but Jesus. I really do not know what this new year holds for me. Do I have hopes and dreams? Of course. But Jesus reminds us to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.

So today, I am thankful for the life of Stephen & Blessing. I look at their faces, their innocence, their beauty. I wonder what their lives will hold for them, what kind of people they will grow to be. I cry for them, and I pray for them. And I hope that one day I will be able to hold them, and to look into their eyes and tell them how precious their life is.