The Unspoken

Being a nurse is really hard.  Since I have started working, every time people ask me about my job or how I like being a nurse, I find myself internally debating how honest of an answer to give.  I usually respond something like "It's a lot to learn, but I like it" or "I really enjoy being able to see the same kids and families over a longer period of time."  Both of those are true.  But that is only a small portion of what I really want to say.

I never really knew what a nurse (in the 21st century) did until I went to nursing school, despite wanting to become a nurse years before.  And until I actually got a job and starting working on the floor, I did not know truly know what it was like to BE a nurse.  Yes, nursing is one of the most trusted professions...a profession where they make little pins and mugs and things that say "Nurses are Angels."  I knew I was entering a career that many before me have found to be rewarding and satisfying, and of course, the salary and benefits weren't too shabby either.  Aside from several school lectures about "burnout" and "compassion fatigue," I entered the world of nursing somewhat oblivious to the complexities of providing holistic care.

So what is all of this prologue leading up to?  I have been on my own for about a month now, and several nights ago I admitted my first patient coming in with a suspected cancer diagnosis.  When the charge nurse informed me of the patient I would be receiving in the middle of the night, my initial focus was on what type of care plan to prepare and which room they would be going into.  Yet when the patient and family arrived, it hit me that this was a pivotal moment in their life.  As I looked into mother's eyes, I saw the immense fear and the intense anxiety that accompanies the unknown.  I saw her trying so hard to be brave for her child, who had not been told anything.  I made it through my initial assessment, charting, and explaining general hospital things, and left them to settle in.  It wasn't long before my co-worker came by to inform me the mother was standing in the hall on the phone crying.  My heart sank.

My head told me....Alyssa, she is on the phone, let her be, you don't want to interrupt or eavesdrop or try to pretend like you have known this woman longer than an hour.  Plus what if she asks you a lot of questions?  What do you know about any of this?  What is she finds out how new and inexperienced you are?

My heart disagreed.  She needs to know she isn't in this alone.  She doesn't need a lot of words, she just needs someone present.  Go be the kind of nurse you have longed to be.

So I went over.  I pulled up a chair.  I took her hand in mine.  I don't remember who spoke first or really anything that I said.  I just know I held her hand and I was there.  As much as I wanted to break down and burst into tears, the drive to be fully present for her held back the floodgates.  And so the night progressed, and I was their nurse for the following two nights as well, walking alongside them as they went through the diagnostic procedures and eventually the confirmed case of cancer.  On one hand, I know this is only the beginning...that I will experience similar scenarios with other kids and their families.  But it will not ever become normal or routine.  The day it does...I will need to stop.  For that family, it was the worst day of their entire lives.  Everything changes....and there is hardly a moment to take it all in, as treatment starts almost immediately.

The juggling of the head and the heart, the balancing act of dividing your time between 4 patients while trying to be 100% present for each one, the long hours, the unpredictable schedule, the learning curve coming from school, the constant feelings of inadequacy and many fears....it is not easy and after some shifts, I never want to return.  But the thing thus far that keeps me pressing on is that brief moment when the mother introduces you to her relatives as "our great night nurse" and gives you a big hug.  Somehow those 10 seconds make up for the exhaustion, tears, and doubts.  I don't know how long I will work on this unit or even at a U.S. hospital...but I do know that wherever the road takes me, I want to be present and share the unspoken.

Flowing Streams

I am quite tired as I write this, but it is one of those times where I have this sense of urgency to blog.  Several thoughts...no carefully thought out theme or blog title.  Believe it or not sometimes I will just be going about my day and out of nowhere I will have the title of a blog come to me, or I will start to mentally write out a blog post in my head...  But none of that today...just some insights into my heart as I reflect on the past several weeks of life.

I realize this is the third time I am posting this picture...but I guess I just wanted the opportunity to write a little more than a Facebook caption.  Now, I had no idea this existed until a Canadian couple I am in contact with visited Imara in October.    I was very excited to see new pictures of the clinic, but this definitely was a shock.  On one hand, it's one of the most touching and incredible things I have experienced.  I mean, who wouldn't want to be honored in such a way?  Some people pay millions of dollars to get their name on a building. A lot of times people don't get their names put on anything until they are dead!

On the other hand, I feel very undeserving of such an honor.  I could not have done anything that I have done thus far in my life without the grace and faithfulness of God, and I want him to receive the honor & glory above all else.  Plus, I believe the people of Kenya, especially those at Imara, have given me more than I could have ever given to them.  I hope to cherish and honor them, just as they have done for me.

The underlying message this represents is what is most encouraging to me.  We have a friendship, a partnership...we are in this together.  I knew that if I really was going to move forward and start a non-profit that it must be on the foundation of supporting and partnering, and not going and doing.  The truth is...I am not really very equipped to provide healthcare to Kenyans, as much as my heart does desire to.  I do not speak Swahili.  I did not grow up in the African culture.  I know very little about tropical diseases.  But, the lovely part of it all is that God has used both my strengths and weaknesses to help support the wonderful, wonderful things that are already going on in Kenya.  And that is why it is so exciting for me to extend that opportunity to others through Imani Care International.

As I was driving to work this evening, I heard this guy on the radio say something that really struck me. When I was at the next red light, I found a piece of paper and quickly wrote it down, so I wouldn't forget.  He said in regards to how we use our money/possessions/resources/influence, we should want to be "flowing streams of blessing, and not stagnant pools of entitlement."  Think of that one for a moment.  I never fully understood the concept of generosity and the joy of giving until recently.  You would think that as I am trying to start a nonprofit I would be saving up my funds exclusively for Imani...and honestly, that was my original intention once I started receiving a "real" paycheck.  But from that first paycheck...God just began rewiring my heart.  And there just have consistently been situations and opportunities that have just plopped themselves right in front of me....and I know my heart has changed because I am just so eager to give and so excited to watch God redistribute what He has blessed me with.  I don't want to be stagnant....yes, I want to be wise and there is wisdom in saving, but there is just something so freeing about not being attached to money!  And not viewing it as exclusively mine, to benefit me only (or even my own organization).

I guess my challenge for myself, and maybe for you as well, is to give with absolutely no expectations.  Sounds easier than it really is.  That means when you are helping a friend out through a tough time, you don't do it because you want to ensure they will return the favor.  It means you don't always expect people to pay you back or make them feel indebted to you.  It means donating to things even if you cannot get a tax-write off.  That means if we want to be "flowing streams," our generosity really should never stop...it's not just a season or a time of the month or a stage of life.  That means giving even when you have already "tithed" for the month.  It means letting go of something...whether it be time, money, material things, control....and expecting nothing in return.  It's freeing.  And more likely than not, God will just entrust you with even more to give :)