Since moving to Seattle over 3 years ago, I have never appreciated the sun so much. Even a few hours of clear blue sky and the chance to wear flip flops is a celebrated occasion. Yet I can appreciate the gift of rain as well, growing up essentially a desert. When I first heard Laura Story's song "Blessings," I do not think I truly identified with what she was singing with. I liked the song, enjoyed the words, and it struck something within me that made me want to cry. But I cannot say I really, deep within me, understood some of the lyrics like:
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
For the full song, go here: Blessings video
However, after living through the past 6 months of life, I feel that song was written for me. I have been angry, I have questioned God's goodness, I have cried, I have doubted, I have felt betrayed, I have lost sleep, felt pain, and wondered where in the world God could be. Of course, all of those experiences emphasize the very selfish and human nature that resides within me. Sometimes I wonder why it is that God can be so faithful time and time again, yet it just takes one hard time, one bad experience for me to doubt His entire character! And I never deserved any of His goodness and blessings in the first place! I don't think the song is just about seeing the glass as half full or finding the good in everything. I think it is acknowledging that life is hard, even hell-ish at times, but that just reminds us how much we need God. Unfortunately, we live in a society and a culture that promotes self-fulfillment and sustainability. We long to be on our own and have all of our ducks in a row. We don't want to have to share or ask for help or admit that we are not self-sufficient. But why would we need God? I am really good at trying to control things on my own. And God likes to rock my world...steer my car off the paved road...
"We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home." If we could rid ourselves of all pain, suffering, and trials on this Earth, then the promise of eternal life in heaven would mean nothing. I often am convicted by the lives of the disciples and how willing they were to live a very difficult life. They never expected things to be easy or comfortable or enjoyable. Yet they lived and walked with the living God. They experienced healings, new life, the power of the Holy Spirit. They did nothing to secure themselves a better life here on this Earth- everything they did was for the kingdom to come.
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
Truth be told- I have no idea what is going to happen after I graduate. I don't just mean I do not know when I am going to sit for my board exams or which hospital I want to work at. I mean I don't even know if God is calling me to get a nursing job. I don't if I will stay in California, or even in the United States. I, personally, want to completely freak out about this. How can I possibly just not know? After 4 years of university, why do I know less about what I want to do than I did walking into college? Yet I feel a sense of freedom that I have never had in my life. My college degree does not define or limit God's plan on my life. Is it scary? Well yes! But God has ALWAYS been so faithful in my life, and I know that He is preparing me for something. Knowing God it is probably bigger and something I would have never dreamed of for myself :) Stay tuned.
