And so it begins....
I had my first three night shifts on the floor this past week. I am exhausted, despite almost two whole "recovery days." It is not just the fact that I am physically tired....I am mentally and emotionally drained. I don't know how it is with other jobs and transitioning from school to the "real world" but in my case, none of my clinical experiences adequately prepared me for the complex conditions that the kids on my floor have. I keep telling people that the unit I am working on basically requires me to do all the things I wasn't allowed to do in nursing school....central lines, blood transfusions, narcotics, lab draws, chemotherapy.... Needless to say, I am learning A LOT. I will be learning a lot for a long, long time. The hardest part is you know you aren't supposed to know everything and that you will make mistakes, but you just pray that the mistakes you make will not harm a child....its not like making someone the wrong drink at Starbucks....
Everyone wants to know "Do you love your job?" Well, I don't see that as an easy question to answer, especially after such a short time. The best answer I can give is...I think eventually I will. The truth of the matter is at this point everything is just overwhelming. Not necessarily in a bad way, but everything is new, you are desperately trying to cram in all this new information while still using your basic clinical judgment, and converting all of your adult clinical experience to pediatrics, and trying to ask the right questions and do things safely....there just isn't enough time or energy to really fully embrace the moment. I mean, of the 13 hours shift, I probably had maybe 15 minutes where I felt I could really be present with my patient and not be thinking about 58556 other things.... I know it will take time...and I have to be patient with myself, but at the same time, you don't really want to ever let your guard down so much that you aren't double checking all the things you really need to. I just pray that every shift I will have at least one moment that reminds me, okay this is why you are doing this, and so far that has been the case. One patient shared about how hard it has been for her to have her disease and in those few minutes, I felt like my presence actually was making a difference. And I think that is really what nursing is. A lot of busyness and chaos and running around like crazy...but also those tender moments of making a difference in your patients' lives.
What keeps me going through all of this....the nonprofit....Imani Care International. Hopefully in the next month or two, I will have a website to direct you to, in order to give you a more comprehensive picture of what Imani Care is all about. God has been so faithful in bringing things together to make my dream a reality. I am still in the process of wading through some of the legal paperwork, but all things considered, everything thus far has moved faster than I could have hoped for. A number of people have really gotten on board to help...a graphic artist is working on a logo, a college student is helping with the website, my attorneys have been wonderful, the board of directors has been extremely flexible and encouraging... I continue to be in contact with those at the clinic in Kenya and they continue to encourage me and remind me why I am doing all of this. I am hoping to be able to make a trip to Kenya sometime in the January/February time frame....I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this topic with my supervisor...but I do have peace that God wants me to continue to invest in Kenya, even while I am working here in the States.
I am reminded that following God's call is not necessarily suppose to be easy or always enjoyable. It's hard to put yourself in a position of truly having to trust in God's strength and faithfulness to bring you through each moment. And it's kind of ironic...but starting this nonprofit I had no previous experience or education, and am essentially doing it all by faith....and I have found a lot of joy in it. And of course, nursing I have been working towards that for years and had plenty of education and preparation, and it is the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done! Ha Ha! So there you go :) But I will press on and continue to take in all that I am supposed to learn through it all, and live for those moments of joy....
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