Tears

The past 2 nights I have made several of my patients cry- that is to be expected as I am the bearer of the needles, the icky tasting medicine, and waking them up during the middle of the night.


But my patients have made me cry too. Of course, when I say cry, I really mean a tear or two is shed and then I must hold it together...knowing that in some sense I have to be strong and save my emotional moments for a setting off of the floor.  No, none of the kids hurt my feelings nor did any of them crash. In fact, all things considered the shifts have been smooth....busy enough to stay awake, but not so busy that I can't sit down for a few minutes every now and then.


The tears come when I hear (from report) or read (from the chart) parts of their stories and realize I, as their nurse, have become a part of their story...even if just one or two 12 hour shifts in the months, even years of intermittent hospital stays, rounds of chemo, weeks of monitoring. It's not just about their diagnoses. With my limited knowledge about the complexities of the floor I work on, knowing the cancer subtype carries little meaning to me. It's when I come to find out a patient who has yet to reach their 2nd birthday is being placed on palliative care. It's the patient who has been at the hospital, not for medical reasons, but because there was no foster home to discharge them to. This was also the patient who told me that I did not look like a nurse-in-training because I had the name badge and the right outfit on. This 7 year old assured me I looked "ready to take care of patients all by myself."


It is not all sad; in fact, remission rates for many childhood cancers are quite high. But these kids are not statistics. Each of their experiences here changes who they are and who they will become. I pray the experiences only make them stronger, believing they can make it through all of life's challenges and knowing what it means to show compassion.


So we revisit the question Do you love your job?   My current answer (and hopefully my lifelong answer) is I love these kids. No, it is not like being a nanny because you typically aren't thought of as the "fun" person. There are not fun outings, gift-giving, game-playing, craft-making....but there is a definite sense that you are playing a part of walking that child and their family through this detour, a change in course that can be quite lengthy. You hope and pray that eventually they will be back on track, but a part of you knows that some of their journeys will end before then. I have always considered it a privilege to be there for people in their most vulnerable times, when they need it most, and it is an honor to be able to come to work to do just that.

The Jasmine Doll

Typically I don't post twice in the same week, but this story deserves its own blog.

As I was at the local Christian bookstore in the greeting card aisle, I overhead a conversation between a young girl and her mother.  The girl, about 5 or 6, stated to her mother, "I want to give away Jasmine."  This statement caused her mother to pause for a moment, before replying, "Your NEW Jasmine doll??  The one you JUST got for your birthday??"  The child seemed puzzled as to why her mother was asking these questions, but replied with assurance, "Yes!"  At this point, I was eager to hear the mother's reply.

"But you just got that doll.  Your aunt gave that to you.  I was thinking you could give away some of your old toys...your baby toys, not your new toys.  You love Jasmine."

As I begin to share my thoughts on this, please know I do not condemn this mother, because I could have easily been in her shoes.  In fact, I think the mother's response was the human response, the way all of us naturally want to respond.

The mother and daughter walked out of my ear's range, so I did not hear or see how the daughter responded.  However, this conversation really had an impact on me, and even a week later, I continue to think about it.  It reminded me immediately of the woman who poured her perfume over Jesus' feet (a story shared in 3 of the 4 gospels).  The disciples were frustrated, even angry, by this woman's actions.  Why did she waste such money on such expensive perfume?  She could have helped the poor!  Besides, who did this woman think she was, coming up to Jesus like that!  In the same way, this mother could not accept that her daughter selflessly wanted to give away her Jasmine doll.  It wasn't because she didn't love this new doll she was given; in fact, I believe it was because she loved this doll so much that she wanted to give it away.  Yet her mother was resistant.  It could be because she was worried the aunt might find out the doll was given away.  Or she was worried her daughter might change her mind, and did not want to risk having to buy a new doll.  Or maybe it was a bit deeper than that.  Could it be she was uncomfortable that her daughter was willing to sacrifice something as dear to her as Jasmine??  What would the mother's equivalent be?  Her new outfit?  Her jewelry?  Her car?  Maybe she couldn't bear to donate the almost new Jasmine doll along with her out-dated, thoroughly used clothes. All of this is speculation, of course, but it really got me to thinking.

What is my Jasmine doll?  And would I give it away??  As Christians, we can be the worst hypocrites.  We love to take about sacrifice and being generous, yet most of us have made it into an equation, a line-item in our budget, a tax deduction.  When is the last time we gave away something we actually liked?  Or something we actually needed?  When is the last time we "gave until it hurt"?  Isn't that what sacrifice is?

Now that I am making a sizable income, I really fight between wanting to give away every penny and trying to be "financially responsible."  It can be a fine line sometimes...God gave us wisdom and knowledge for a reason, but I also believe he wants us to "give until it hurts."  And giving is so much broader than the box we put it in!  It's not just donating to charities once a month or participating in a food drive at the holidays.  It's giving of our time...it's calling that friend who always has drama in their life and just listening.  It's giving of our money...not just picking and choosing what we feel like giving to, but asking God to lead us to opportunities.  It's giving of our resources....no it is not bad to give away our old clothes, but sometimes I think there is so much more we could do with our homes and our possessions...maybe having more people over or letting people borrow things...knowing they may mess them up or forget to give them back.

As I just started a nonprofit, I am both excited and reluctant about the aspect of fundraising.  I have never been afraid to talk about causes I am passionate about and asking people to consider being involved.  However, now that the cause is one that I specifically started, I do feel a bigger sense of insecurity.  I am a firm believer that God will move people's hearts to be generous.  It is not my place to tell people that they need to give money to a specific organization or that they can afford to give more.  I was not called to raise money; I was called to share stories about Kenya and provide a way for people to be involved, should they so chose.  One thing that I have realized this week is that I don't want my giving to be exclusive to Imani Care International.  I still want to be involved in other people's passions and ministries.  And I am so excited and so blessed to have the resources at this point in my life to do so.

Night Shifts, Naps, & Nonprofits

And so it begins....


I had my first three night shifts on the floor this past week.  I am exhausted, despite almost two whole "recovery days."  It is not just the fact that I am physically tired....I am mentally and emotionally drained.  I don't know how it is with other jobs and transitioning from school to the "real world" but in my case, none of my clinical experiences adequately prepared me for the complex conditions that the kids on my floor have.  I keep telling people that the unit I am working on basically requires me to do all the things I wasn't allowed to do in nursing school....central lines, blood transfusions, narcotics, lab draws, chemotherapy....  Needless to say, I am learning A LOT.  I will be learning a lot for a long, long time.  The hardest part is you know you aren't supposed to know everything and that you will make mistakes, but you just pray that the mistakes you make will not harm a child....its not like making someone the wrong drink at Starbucks....

Everyone wants to know "Do you love your job?"  Well, I don't see that as an easy question to answer, especially after such a short time.  The best answer I can give is...I think eventually I will.  The truth of the matter is at this point everything is just overwhelming.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but everything is new, you are desperately trying to cram in all this new information while still using your basic clinical judgment, and converting all of your adult clinical experience to pediatrics, and trying to ask the right questions and do things safely....there just isn't enough time or energy to really fully embrace the moment.  I mean, of the 13 hours shift, I probably had maybe 15 minutes where I felt I could really be present with my patient and not be thinking about 58556 other things....  I know it will take time...and I have to be patient with myself, but at the same time, you don't really want to ever let your guard down so much that you aren't double checking all the things you really need to.  I just pray that every shift I will have at least one moment that reminds me, okay this is why you are doing this, and so far that has been the case.  One patient shared about how hard it has been for her to have her disease and in those few minutes, I felt like my presence actually was making a difference.  And I think that is really what nursing is.  A lot of busyness and chaos and running around like crazy...but also those tender moments of making a difference in your patients' lives.

What keeps me going through all of this....the nonprofit....Imani Care International.  Hopefully in the next month or two, I will have a website to direct you to, in order to give you a more comprehensive picture of what Imani Care is all about.  God has been so faithful in bringing things together to make my dream a reality.  I am still in the process of wading through some of the legal paperwork, but all things considered, everything thus far has moved faster than I could have hoped for.  A number of people have really gotten on board to help...a graphic artist is working on a logo, a college student is helping with the website, my attorneys have been wonderful, the board of directors has been extremely flexible and encouraging...  I continue to be in contact with those at the clinic in Kenya and they continue to encourage me and remind me why I am doing all of this.  I am hoping to be able to make a trip to Kenya sometime in the January/February time frame....I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this topic with my supervisor...but I do have peace that God wants me to continue to invest in Kenya, even while I am working here in the States.

I am reminded that following God's call is not necessarily suppose to be easy or always enjoyable.  It's hard to put yourself in a position of truly having to trust in God's strength and faithfulness to bring you through each moment.  And it's kind of ironic...but starting this nonprofit I had no previous experience or education, and am essentially doing it all by faith....and I have found a lot of joy in it.  And of course, nursing I have been working towards that for years and had plenty of education and preparation, and it is the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done!  Ha Ha!  So there you go :)  But I will press on and continue to take in all that I am supposed to learn through it all, and live for those moments of joy....