Pressed, but not Crushed

I received this photograph in my inbox yesterday. It felt as though this vehicle had similarly crashed into my heart. Thankfully, no one was injured, just some structural damage to the front wall. Of course, my instinct is to see the glass as half empty, contemplating the worst case scenarios, wondering to myself why this had to happen, grieving over the thought that money will have to be spent on construction before it can be spent on medical supplies. Yet God patiently reminds me that He is in control and that I must trust in Him. If I don't trust him for something like a car running into a wall, how will I be able to trust him when even bigger things come along. I am reminded of the verses in 2 Corinthians that say, "But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed, perplexed, but not in despair, persecuted byt not abandoned, struck down but not destroyed." I believe those words hold true not only for the clinic, but for me as well. The road that I am on has been anything but a walk in the park, yet God is still God, faithful and unchanging.

Leaving a trail

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see My Power and Glory at work in the situation." -Jesus Calling

I struggle with not knowing what is coming next. The majority of my life thus far has been fairly predictable. As an infant, you sit up, then you crawl, then you stand up, then you walk. After preschool comes kindergarten, followed by first grade and so on. After high school, it's expected that you attend a college of some sort. And I guess now as my graduation from college nears, I am suppose to start thinking about getting my first job.

The only problem is...I don't want to follow this paved path. I love the quote "Do not go where the path may lead. Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail." Only problem is- that is really a hard thing to do. To break the norm, to go where no one has ventured, to do something that everyone tells you is crazy or not the sensible option. But I think sometimes that is exactly the thing that God calls us to. The more extreme your circumstances, the more likely you are to see my power and glory at work in the situation. In the New Testament, Jesus literally asks his disciples to drop everything to follow him. And they did! They left their jobs, their families, their homelands, their comfort, and they followed Jesus. And as much as I long to go back to Kenya, ultimately I pray that I will desire to follow Jesus, whether that be to Kenya or not. I do not want to live the "normal" life. I want to experience all of what God has to offer. And I know it to be true that the harder circumstances are, the more I am forced to rely solely on God, and not on myself and not on what this world offers.

I received this picture of these precious twins from the clinic. Their names are Stephen and Blessing. Stephen was breech. Peter wrote to me saying, "In ideal situations this complex delivery would have taken place in a well-equipped and established hospital. But by God's grace we conducted the deliveries safely and the twins are doing fine." From my perspective, these twins are a miracle. In the states, this likely would have been considered high-risk, been a mandatory C-section, and the twins probably would have been given numerous interventions. Yet, they were delivered in a very small room with minimal equipment and maximum faith. And God showed up. It brings me to tears even to think about this- but that is the kind of life I want to live. I want to come to a place where I trust God for everything, and live a life that witnesses his power and glory.

Time is a trainer. Yes it is. The months since I have been in Kenya have without a doubt have been the hardest time of my life. It's hard to describe exactly what about it has been so hard, but I just feel like a part of me is missing and I am still struggling to function without that part. I never expected it to be so emotional or so difficult to resume my life here. In fact, I remember as I was leaving being worried that I would transition back to American life too quickly and just kind of forget about the impact Kenya had on me. But this time really is teaching me a lot. It's stripping me of everything, putting me in a place of complete vulnerability with no one to cry to but Jesus. I really do not know what this new year holds for me. Do I have hopes and dreams? Of course. But Jesus reminds us to not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow has enough troubles of its own.

So today, I am thankful for the life of Stephen & Blessing. I look at their faces, their innocence, their beauty. I wonder what their lives will hold for them, what kind of people they will grow to be. I cry for them, and I pray for them. And I hope that one day I will be able to hold them, and to look into their eyes and tell them how precious their life is.

We Treat, God Heals

One of the things that caught my eye while at the clinic in Kenya was this sign. We treat & God heals. I had to stop and think about this for a moment. Sometimes I think in America we simply declare "We treat" and see no need or place for God. Well when you rooms filled with medications, fancy machinery, and adequate staffing with years of education backing the "we," it would be easy to place the credit on humanity. However, the world I witnessed was a lot different. There were moments when I looked at the situation in front of me and thought to myself, "we" can do absolutely nothing. Sometimes this was due to a lack of something or perhaps the failure to intervene at the opportune time. Other times the situation simply was beyond man's scope of practice. Kenyans are eager to make the God claim. In fact, sometimes that is simply all there is. God's mercy.

I found myself having to truly wrestle with the question, Do I believe God heals? Do I believe He heals the same way that he did in the gospel accounts? Do I believe He heals even without modern medicine? It still tests my faith to this day. I can tell you I saw miracles. I saw a woman bleeding enormous amounts, losing consciousness...and God saved her life. I saw a young boy with a horrific burn injury happily sitting on his bed rocking out to some music. I saw mothers fighting against all odds to preserve the health of their children, born and unborn. What a privilege it is to see the hand of God at work. What an honor to surrender my hands to allow him to touch others through me.

My heart still yearns to go back. I wonder if that's what the Israelites felt like. Knowing the Promised Land awaited them, but not knowing when they were going to get there, and facing many setbacks along the way. All I know is God did not plant this desire, this calling, this insanity in me for nothing. And I must place my hope, my trust not in Kenya but in the Lord. Psalm 37:4 says "Delight yourself in the LORD, and he will give you the desires of your heart."

As Christmas approaches, my thoughts and prayers are with the slum children. My heart breaks to think that for them, Christmas is just another day of the year- the anticipated American Christmas just a distant fantasy, part of me hopes they just do not know.... One day I will be with you again...I will teach you Christmas songs and show you pictures of snow....We will cut out paper chains and I will give you my heart....

Lean Not

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

God speaks. A lot of times I am not a very good listener, but He speaks and He shows up. This has been a very challenging couple of months for me. Coming back from Kenya is one of the hardest things I have had to face. The "why" questions have plagued me for a long time. Why couldn't I just have stayed there? Why am I in school? Why do I stress over such small things? Why did I feel so at peace there, but cannot seem to find it here? I do not have a straightforward answer to any of those questions, but I know the Lord is preparing me for something big. Something where I will have to trust Him with my entire being and will not be able to lean on any of my own knowledge, ideas, control.

I was thinking yesterday about all the minor setbacks that seem to keep popping up. A few weeks ago, our electricity was out. A week ago my laptop essentially died and is not usable. Yesterday and throughout this quarter, I have run into some financial hardships. And although in each of these situations, MY reaction was to worry, to panic, to freak out. Yet now I can see the Lord's hand in it all. I can live without electricity. I can live without a constant connection to the internet and technology. God will provide when I know longer have adequate funds. Hmm...I wonder why I might need to begin to let all these things go...:) God has a good sense of humor.

Cards for Kenya

Quality of Life

Albert Einsten once said, "Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."

Although it is the 6th week of school, I feel like yesterday was one of the only days I could find true meaning in what I was doing. For my community health experience, I have had the opportunity to be involved in home hospice care. It is very humbling and somewhat upsetting to go into a person's home who you know has approximately 6 months or left to live. For me, I very much enjoy the opportunity to get to talk to someone and physically be present during a very hard time for the patient and the family- the thing that upsets me more is knowing that I won't get to go back. That I cannot continue to get to know them, to learn about their life, to pray for them...all the things that I feel that God has given me a gift for. But I still really cherished the time I spent with the patients yesterday.

One lady was a former ballet dancer and writer. She had a beautiful home, full of items collected from a lifetime of adventure. I just could imagine that every figurine, every black and white photograph, every book has a story...and I just wanted to know it all....to hear it all. I just felt my heart connect with this beautiful women...she really was stunning, even though she is getting close to the end. Another woman living in an adult family home told me all about her love of shopping at consignment stores and just the thrill of getting to go out and do that. She expressed her sadness over having to move out of and sell her home....and I really could see her pain and how badly she wanted to live independently again. I could have sat there and talked with her all day....

I am not sure what to make of all this. I really felt sad and emotional on my drive home...but really because I just wished I could play a more significant role in their end of life care. I think I really would enjoy hospice...but I don't know if I emotionally would be able to do it...a lot of people seem like they have just come to accept that death is a frequent part of their job. And it's not even a cold-hearted emotion, just more matter of fact...everyone dies and as a hospice worker, you get to make sure it is the best it possibly can be. But I feel like every life is so precious and I don't know if I would be able to let people go so easily without taking on all of the emotions... Plus everyone keeps saying you have to work in med-surg before you can do home care and honestly I would rather not be a nurse than have to work ing med-surg....

So I just need to cherish the precious moments I had yesterday and try to continue to find meaning. I know working in Kenya is going to involve end of life care and I think in a lot of ways, Kenyans are more at peace with death than most of us are. Partially because it is so much more frequent...but also because I really think they have faith that a life with our Heavenly Father really is going to be so much better than anything we experience here on this Earth.

Life is so precious...

Beautiful Faces

Whether I like it or not, life continues on. My senior year of school has begun. My days are a juggling act, an attempted balance between the many commitments I have. My to-do list continues to grow, with no end in sight. I still cry for Kenya. I'm still searching for my place, my purpose here. I still contemplate dropping out of school- although I fully realize that decision would not be very rational or helpful in the long-term. Yet there are a few things keeping me going...

1) Faces. The beautiful faces like this one on the left. I had 3 of my favorite pictures (this one included) enlarged and printed on canvas. My wonderful housemates allowed me to hang them in our living room so I get to see them all the time.

2) Cards. I have embarked on a journey in card-making. I am using pictures I took in Kenya and some of my favorite quotes, and making cards. All proceeds will go to Imara Health Clinic. This new little project has allowed me to feel connected and I am excited to share the cards with people throughout this year.

3) Friends. I am convinced that I have the best friends in the world. Friends that will sit down and watch a 14 minute slideshow of Kenya pictures. Friends that don't think it's weird that I tend to cry every time I get an email from someone in Kenya. Friends who continue to stand by me day by day (despite how many times I have already threatened to drop out of school).

Peter, the director of the clinic, emailed me today. It was very touching and emotional for me. One of the things he wrote was:

What is even more heart touching was your very generous donation towards the clinic work,You demonstrated your faith with works just as the Bible teaches.You kept the funds with you for almost three weeks and eventually you were touched and chose to give to Imara .We believe this is divine connection which we have always desired and prayed about since 2002. Myself and our entire team believe that the profession you are pursuing is a calling to you and no doubt you will be a great Nurse touching peoples lives.

I can take no credit for either the donations nor the calling that has been placed on my life. I don't understand why I have to spend another year here, when my heart exists somewhere else entirely. Yet I have to trust that in the same way God answered their prayers from 9 years ago, that God will be faithful in answering mine too. Peter also mentioned that they successfully delivered twin boys that were breech! I will leave you with that picture.