Progress is Not Linear

I willingly made and ate oatmeal several times.
 And I still dislike it....

“Progress is not linear.”  I believe that.  I have experienced that.  I have seen it to be true in other peoples’ lives.  I am living that. 

This past month, I have eliminated the majority of added sugar in my diet.  I was not overly strict about it and I did not limit fruit or most dairy items.  But I did successfully stay away from all the treats – cake, cookies, chocolate, ice cream, donuts, sugary coffee drinks and cocktails.  I also made some substitutions, like instead of vanilla or key lime yogurt, I had nonfat, plain yogurt.  This was not always easy.  It revealed how much my social life intersects with food and that sometimes making good choices consequently causes other people to experience guilt and shame.  When I would take the kids I nanny to get ice cream, quite frankly, it was not fun to sit and watch them eat it.  And yet, I was surprised how it was not nearly as hard as I thought.  I did not dream about sweet treats or feel the need to have a cheat day.  While making this diet and lifestyle change has not magically transformed my body or melted pounds away, it is a good step toward the healthy life I desire to have.

Evaluating progress is difficult for people like me who tend to view things with an “all-or-nothing” mindset.  I see these self-sabotaging behaviors in myself.  For example, one evening at the gym, I decided to get a smoothie from the gym smoothie bar.  I looked at the different options and picked one that listed various fruits, whey protein powder, and added some greens.  As I took the first sip, I immediately thought “this is too sweet – there must be additional sugar in here.”  At that point, it was too late and I drank it anyway.  Initially, I was upset that I had consumed all this sugar without even intending to.  But then I decided to let myself off the hook.  Drinking that smoothie was not going to harm me (especially given how much sugar I used to eat on a regular basis without thinking twice about it!).  I was still valuing my health by trying to make a healthy, informed decision and this did not mean I couldn’t continue to strive to eliminate sugar.

Another area that I am learning to have grace with myself is with anxiety and worry.  About 6 years ago, I began struggling with anxiety and panic attacks.  At first, I thought that with the right resources in place, I could get a handle on it.  I assumed that once I began counseling or found the right medication combination, I would get progressively better.  That is not what happened.  Things became a lot worse before they got better.  Even then, the “getting better” was not a nice arrow up.  It was more of a curvy, wavy line that kinked in a few spots, but on the whole, was inching upward.  It took many different counseling experiences, visits to various healthcare providers, tinkering with medications (and ultimately, no medication at all), and a lot of patience, grace, and support from family and friends.  Today, I am a lot better.  It is night and day from where I was, and yet I even now, I go to counseling.  Even now, I have days that feel completely overwhelming and out-of-control.  But I have learned that one panic attack or one difficult day does not erase all the steps that have brought me to this better place.

If you are struggling through something, take heart.  Give yourself credit where credit is do.  For the places that you still have a ways to go, let yourself take baby steps.  I have this new practice where at the end of the week, I write down things I am proud of and areas where I have been brave.  That is how I give myself a pep talk to tackle the week ahead.  Maybe I did not do everything I had intended to do.  Maybe I did not make it to the gym the three times I had hoped.  Maybe I missed someone’s birthday or was late responding to a pressing email.  Maybe the laundry is still sitting in the dirty pile on the floor and my car remains unwashed.  But at least for a few moments, I force myself to look at what I was able to do.  I sent out Mother’s Day cards to a lot of incredible women.  I spoke my truth to a friend, even though it was really difficult.  I went to the gym two times and cooked dinner more times than not.  I spent time catching up with a friend who I haven’t talked to in awhile.  I finally wrote a new blog J

Hang in there.  Slowly but surely, you are making progress, my friend, and that is something to be proud of.