It's going to be 100 degrees today. As I just recently moved into an apartment, I am hesitant to get into the habit of resorting to the AC. And today is the day I decide to try to make potato gnocchi - a food I thoroughly enjoy but am mildly terrified to try and make. Currently, I have a huge pot of water boiling, the dishwasher running, and the coffeemaker brewing. I am sweating. I know it's probably insanity (possibly heat-derived) but I feel this sense of needing to set out and accomplish a task. Sure it's no marathon or Mount Everest, but it's something I have wanted to do for a long time now and I am tired of waiting for a better time to do it.
A year ago, I graduated from university and from nursing school. I remember feeling a huge sense of relief....nursing school at times was my Mount Everest, my mountain to conquer. And when you are standing in the middle of dozens of your peers all gowned and capped....you do feel as if you have scale great heights. All the times you doubted, all the late nights and early mornings, all the exams and papers....all of that led to one moment. And you are in the presence of your closest friends and supportive family. It all builds up to that climax....and then, as quickly as it came, it's over. You are left with a sense of "well now what??" I remember packing up my apartment, which my roommates and I referred to as "The Oasis", and feeling a sense of devastation. Life as I knew it was over. No more school (at least not the way I knew it). No more clear sense of direction and goals. I was losing my sense of community - the family I had created, the home away from home. Within 24 hours, graduation had turned from one of the happiest moments to one of the most unsettling and painful. I wondered if this was the side of fairy tales that no one tells us - that after the "happily ever after" without having to overcome obstacles, battle dragons, and wait for your Prince Charming, that life loses its zest.
The truth is - life after graduation has been a new adventure, with lots to celebrate, new mountains to scale, and new friends to be made. Actually, I probably have done more in this past year in terms of "firsts" than I have in all of my school years combined, most notably getting my first real job as a nurse and starting a non-profit organization. Neither have been easy, although both have been incredibly rewarding and provide an ongoing adventure. Yet I still have this sense of what next - do I just keep working and putting money in the bank? Do I put my time and energy into making my apartment a home? Should I be trying to promote Imani more so we can have a greater impact in Kenya? Am I suppose to be settling down and finding a mate? (notice the last question is at the bottom of my priority list :) I think I keep trying to find a single solution. Some days I think okay maybe I should go back to school and then I spend a couple hours looking into Master's programs. Other times I think okay, I need to spend more time on Imani and really start planning for the months ahead. And then there are the days I just want to forget I am an adult and spend a few days in Disneyland or watch episodes of Gilmore Girls that I have seen multiple times. School is a security blanket. As much as you hate it and wish it were over, it is what shapes the average American for 13-17 years of their lives. I think most people naturally transition the role school played to their jobs....a new structure, something you wake up in the morning to do, a group of people who become like a family, a place where you have some sort of purpose. For those who have a family, I think those responsibilities, especially raising kids, provide those same functions as well. I guess I am still trying to figure out my place and my purpose. I don't just want to be a nurse. I don't just want to be the director at Imani. I want to explore the world. I want to meet new people. I want pursue my other passions of writing, crafting, nannying, gardening. I want to make gnocchi.
The beauty of writing (at least for me) is I can have conversations with myself, and in the process of doing so, I find glimmers of peace and serenity. I feel not quite as crazy, and have this secret hope that maybe someone will read this and think I thought I was the only one. So here's to living life....not just as a student or a nurse or someone who loves Kenya, but as an individual, as a human being, as a child of God.
