Body & Soul

I have avoided blogging up until this point because I was afraid the things I had to say would be too sad. However, I now realize if I wait until I am not heart-broken any longer, I may never write again.

After 10 days back in the States, in some ways life has completely gone "back to normal." I drive my car to get places. I have dozens of clothing choices, in fact I have so many clothes that they barely fit in my closet. I have moved into my Seattle apartment, and spent the past several days cleaning, cooking, and running errands. School resumes on Monday, so my relaxed days of my own agenda are quickly coming to an end. Soon my schedule will be dictated by my class syllabus; my nights filled with textbooks, notecards, and coffee.

In other ways, my physical body is here, but my soul is in Kenya. I made a slideshow of my favorite Kenya pictures, and I watch it every chance I get. I have been making greeting cards, as it is my new effort to raise funds for the slum clinic. I wonder how the people I met are doing. I think about the kids, the moms, the nurses, the doctors, the teachers, the drivers, and my fellow volunteers. I wonder how life can so quickly move on and I desperately cling to the hope that I won't lose the ability to feel connected to Kenya, even if it is painful. I guess I don't know why I am here. I mean, logically and rationally, yes I know. I have to finish school. I need to get a real job. My "life" is here. I guess I am just supposed to accept that and be okay with it.

I feel like I am mourning the loss of a part of me...a part of me that I cannot seem to fully find and embrace here. Maybe it will come...maybe it just got a bit delayed and has to catch a later flight. But what is that part of me decides to reside in Kenya just waiting for me to come back. And I don't know when I can go back. I just have to tell myself it is going to be soon, because that is the only answer I can live with right now.

In the meantime, I just beg God to give me peace and the strength to get up in the morning. I pray for even a small glimpse as to why I am suppose to be here right now.