Cracks

Today is the last day of the quarter (aside from finals), and although my to-do list is far from complete, I am sitting here, sipping coffee and feeling content. As I reflect back on this school year, I am just overwhelmed by how much I have changed, and all the ways in which God has shown up and been faithful. Has it been hard? Oh yeah. Have I wanted to throw in the towel and call it quits? Many times. But by the grace of God I have made it another day.

I accidentally stepped on my computer screen a couple nights ago. The result: a lightning-like radiating crack stemming from the top center of my screen. It continues to grow and is beginning to "black out" along the crack lines. The funny thing is...I honestly was not very upset by it. In fact, I realized today that the crack brings me laughter and joy, every time I turn on my computer. And it's a blessing that the cracks are along the perimeter of the screen, so I can still read everything just fine. I see it as a metaphor for how we approach our lives. There are things in our lives, cracks so to speak, that are hard, damaging, cause pain, hurt, anger, etc. Sometimes they are so big that they interfere with our ability to function. A lot of times it's hard to know why they have come to be, why they happen at certain times, and what the redeeming nature of it all is going to be. Sometimes they get worse. But God is there. God knows. God sees it. God helps us through. And we don't always know what getting through it going to look like. We don't get to know the timeline or the sequence of events, but we get to live in our current reality. We have the opportunity every day to seek out the Lord's presence. And at least for me, I see God so much more clearly when I have to look through a crack. Without the cracks, it's hard to acknowledge that I need God and that he is the sustainer of my life.

Another thing that was made clear to me this week was that becoming a nurse does not automatically transform you into a loving, compassionate, and giving person. Yes, nursing is a helping profession (and a wonderful opportunity), but without the love of Christ radiating from you, it really is just a good-paying, hard-working job. And I have seen that. Does it bother me? Oh yeah it does. At times I just want to scream "Don't you even care about your patient!!" But it's not about being a nurse. And I think that is an important lesson I am learning. It's freeing in the sense that I know if for whatever reason I do not get me license to be an R.N., I am still going to be used by God. As stressful and challenging as this past year of nursing school has been, there have been so many beautiful things that have occurred because of it. I have made some amazing friends...friends that I know will be in my life for a good while and who have made huge impressions on my heart. I have learned so much about loving people, and the power of presence and touch. I have been held as I have broken down and cried. I have held others' hands as they did the same. I have prayed and seen miraculous answers. And to think there's so much more to come...

I started this blog originally as a way to track my life in relation to my trip to Kenya before, during, and after. But as you may have gathered, it has evolved to a lot more than that. In one sense, everything that goes on in my life right now relates to Kenya. And in another sense, I am realizing more and more that it really isn't about going to Kenya. Am I excited, elated, and anticipant of the adventure ahead? For sure. But I don't want to live my life simply for just what is to come, because I honestly do not know what the future holds, as much as I look forward to things ahead. I can't dismiss all the great things God is doing right here and now. So for today, I thank God for the cracks on the screen and his faithfulness in the midst of that.