Be Kind

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." 
-Plato


I have always been amazed by God's grace to teach me important life lessons when I am a distracted and selfish learner.  The quote above has been one that has left an impression on me ever since I first heard it.  I often tell people that the very best friends I have in my life are typically people I initially do not have positive interactions with.  I think I tend to make a lot of assumptions about people when I first met them, but once I get to know them, there are very few people I do not get along with.  There is something powerful about knowing someone's story, their situation, their experiences.  Yet I am reminded that everyone has a story, whether or not I have read it.  Let me share several examples from this week.

I summarized this first interaction in my facebook status.  As I was coming home from clinical yesterday, I was in a minor fender bender accident.  A woman backed up without looking in her rearview, and I did not have enough time to get out of her way.  As I watched her back into my car, I remember thinking how I really did not have time and energy for this, and thought about how she should have just looked in her mirror! (which is extremely selfish since my driving track record is far from flawless).  I waited for her to get out of her car, but after a minute, I decided to get out myself to assess the damage.  The damage was superficial, paint scratched off, just cosmetic really.  She slowly opened her door, and at this point I noticed two young children in the back seat, one of whom was crying hysterically.  The woman walked over to me and was just sobbing uncontrollably.  I immediately forget about the fact she was the driver who had just hit me, and put my arm around her and proceeded to repeatedly tell her "it's okay."  As more tears flowed, she shared that this was a rental car, that she is visiting from Europe, that her son had a high fever and she didn't know what to do, and how awful her day had been.  I assisted her in calling the rental car company and tried to explain what a claim was.  I kept saying, I just want to make sure you are okay.  And I meant it.  I wish I could have said I would have responded that way had I not known what she was going through, but the truth is, I probably wouldn't have.  After some further reassurance and ensuring she had a doctor to take him to and a place to go home to, I got back in my car and continued on with my day.  I felt really blessed to have been hit.  I know that sounds weird, but I will always remember that interaction, and how only by God's grace to me was I able to extend love to her.  And it was so powerful.

This week at clinical, I had a challenging Monday.  My patients were not receptive to care, and both of them expressed to me how much they disliked being "bothered" by me.  It is a hard place to be because there are certain things as a nurse you must do to care for the patient, but they may involve disturbed their sleep, poking them, asking a lot of questions, etc.  I just tried to keep telling myself, do the things you have to do for them and do them cheerfully, and as you leave their room, just give them to the Lord.  Yet I still kept feeling unfulfilled, and selfishly, I think we all want to feel appreciated for the work that we are doing.  But I was humbled, because it really isn't about me.  And everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.  And in all honesty, I am not sure I would enjoy people coming in and out of my room while I am sick and just want to be left alone.  Coming to the hospital on Tuesday, I just was not feeling it.  I was sure it was going to be another horrible day (I can be dramatic....).  Yet it turned out to be one of the best clinical days I have ever had.  I had an awesome nurse- she really was my heaven-sent angel.  Of my three patients, two were absolutely delightful to care for.  My third one threatened to fire me :)  But the uniting factor in all of their situations was they had these incredibly stories.  And I naturally enjoyed listening and conversing with the two that openly shared.  Yet my heart still felt for my unhappy client.  And instead of being upset with him, I just thought to myself, Alyssa, he is a man who feels like he has lost all control, over his life, his body, what is happening to him.  All he has left is the words he exchanges.  And if by saying "you're fired" gives him a small amount of control back, then let him have it.  Let him fire you.  Once I let that go, I was able to be so much more present for my other patients and just filled with a love and a curiosity about this gruff man.

Finally, today I also dreaded going to community health.  (Yes, I guess me dreading things r/t school is a common theme).  But I was so blessed by the women we got to interact with.  They were so gracious and even though we were "serving the community" by spending time with them, it was their wisdom that so deeply touched me.  One woman apologized to me for smoking.  She then assessed me and said I bet you don't smoke, do you?  And I looked at her for a moment and said, You know, had I been in different circumstances and lived the life you have, who says I wouldn't be smoking too.  And she smiled and said I first smoked a cigarette down in Texas because some of the kids threatened to beat me up if I didn't.  As we continue to spend time together, I was humbled and convicted.  Here I was having a great time, laughing, joking, talking with these women.  Yet how many times have I looked upon this same demographic with scorn, with judgment, with preconceived notions about the lives they lead.  I finally began to understand their lives.  I took some steps in their shoes.  As we bused to the food bank, as I stood in line, I momentarily was thinking okay how am I suppose to carry all the food back to my house?  Of course, I wasn't getting food, and when I shop, I put the groceries in my car.  But I thought, wow, I am finally starting to see some of the realities of what its like to depend on government and charity-related resources.  A lot of people have good intentions, but there are still a lot of obstacles for homeless and low-income individuals to climb.

In light of so many lessons learn by spending time with people, studying for a pathophysiology exam seems a bit futile....:)

The Next Step

"Faith is taking the next step, even when you cannot see the entire staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

I don't know what I am going to do once June 9th arrives. Yes, I will graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. Yes, I will then have to study to take my board exam, and eventually become a licensed RN. But after that...I just don't know. I don't want to work in a hospital. I don't want to just get a job to say I have one or bring home a pay check. I really want to start a nonprofit. I want to go back to Kenya. I want to go back to the slum and give those kids a big hug. I want someone to yell out "muzungu" and point and laugh. I want to drink tea sweetened with milk and sugar. I want to vaccinate new babies and reassure their mothers that they will grow up protected for diseases like polio and measles. But ultimately, I want to do God's will.

Despite my complete fear and trepidation related to going to clinicals at the hospital, God was so faithful to me. Yesterday I had a big opportunity to love on a woman who really was being overlooked and set aside by the rest of the staff. I was in a position where I had plenty of time to listen and reassure, and I know it was time well spent. It is a horrible thing to have a patient tell you that "everybody is ignoring me and don't take me seriously." There is a lot of grace involved in nursing- patients do not necessarily behave in ways that deserves good nursing care but you do it anyway. You set aside your own judgments and conceptions and agenda, and you provide the best possible care for that person. By the end of today, I somehow was managing a full patient load (under the supervision of a patient and competent nurse). After taking on a more official role as a "nurse", I just come to realize more and more that what I love is just being with the patient. I love getting to know them. I love reaffirming their thoughts and listening to their griefs. I see it as such a privilege that these people I have never met trust me to care for them, often in very intimate ways.

God's blessings have come in other ways as well. Last week, I received a donation for the clinic from a woman I have never met. I was overwhelmed that someone who believe so strongly in my own passion and vision for Imara that they would be willing to donate some of their finances. I was also blessed to receive a beautiful letter from a girl I use to babysit who now lives in Britain. In her 9-year-old cursive, she recollected her days of life as a "year 4" and just reminded me of the simple joys of life. My sister is currently serving the Lord in Africa and I am just so excited to be able to connect with her when she returns.

My whole life I have had a plan. In the past months, I have let more and more parts of that plan go as I yield to the Lord's will for my life. I have had to learn what faith really is. Faith isn't drafting the plan and going to God for a stamp of approval. So what is my next step? I can honestly say "I don't know, but God does." And for now, I will continue to watch the staircase unfold before me, ascending one step at a time.

Raindrops

Since moving to Seattle over 3 years ago, I have never appreciated the sun so much. Even a few hours of clear blue sky and the chance to wear flip flops is a celebrated occasion. Yet I can appreciate the gift of rain as well, growing up essentially a desert. When I first heard Laura Story's song "Blessings," I do not think I truly identified with what she was singing with. I liked the song, enjoyed the words, and it struck something within me that made me want to cry. But I cannot say I really, deep within me, understood some of the lyrics like:

And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

For the full song, go here: Blessings video

However, after living through the past 6 months of life, I feel that song was written for me. I have been angry, I have questioned God's goodness, I have cried, I have doubted, I have felt betrayed, I have lost sleep, felt pain, and wondered where in the world God could be. Of course, all of those experiences emphasize the very selfish and human nature that resides within me. Sometimes I wonder why it is that God can be so faithful time and time again, yet it just takes one hard time, one bad experience for me to doubt His entire character! And I never deserved any of His goodness and blessings in the first place! I don't think the song is just about seeing the glass as half full or finding the good in everything. I think it is acknowledging that life is hard, even hell-ish at times, but that just reminds us how much we need God. Unfortunately, we live in a society and a culture that promotes self-fulfillment and sustainability. We long to be on our own and have all of our ducks in a row. We don't want to have to share or ask for help or admit that we are not self-sufficient. But why would we need God? I am really good at trying to control things on my own. And God likes to rock my world...steer my car off the paved road...

"We know that pain reminds this heart that this is not our home." If we could rid ourselves of all pain, suffering, and trials on this Earth, then the promise of eternal life in heaven would mean nothing. I often am convicted by the lives of the disciples and how willing they were to live a very difficult life. They never expected things to be easy or comfortable or enjoyable. Yet they lived and walked with the living God. They experienced healings, new life, the power of the Holy Spirit. They did nothing to secure themselves a better life here on this Earth- everything they did was for the kingdom to come.

What if my greatest disappointments

Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy

Truth be told- I have no idea what is going to happen after I graduate. I don't just mean I do not know when I am going to sit for my board exams or which hospital I want to work at. I mean I don't even know if God is calling me to get a nursing job. I don't if I will stay in California, or even in the United States. I, personally, want to completely freak out about this. How can I possibly just not know? After 4 years of university, why do I know less about what I want to do than I did walking into college? Yet I feel a sense of freedom that I have never had in my life. My college degree does not define or limit God's plan on my life. Is it scary? Well yes! But God has ALWAYS been so faithful in my life, and I know that He is preparing me for something. Knowing God it is probably bigger and something I would have never dreamed of for myself :) Stay tuned.

Letting Go

A good friend of mine emailed this quote to me, and told me it made her think of me. It is quite fitting, especially if you knew me before college. I had a lot of plans. Of course those plans changed with time, as plans and dreams tend to do. In kindergarten, I simultaneously wanted to attend Harvard and be a waitress. At that time, I did not understand the notion that people had to actually pay for the food they ordered. I just thought it would be great to be able to give hungry people food. I had my phase of wanting to be a teacher, and then an author. By about junior high, I was pretty convinced that I wanted to be a nurse. Of course, I did not just want to be any nurse. I wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse that worked at St. Jude's Children's Hospital in Memphis, TN. Even writing that just now makes me laugh, because I was so set on that plan. I was convinced that it was exactly what I was suppose to do, and I wanted to do everything within my means to make it happen. There was the first red flag: trying to do it on my own terms with my own means.

When people ask me now what I am going to do after I graduate in June, for once in my life, I tell them "I don't know." It's not that I haven't thought about it or that there aren't things that I desire to do. It's just that I have finally come to the place where I am surrendering my plans to God. The only place I really want to be is the place where God leads me to. And at this point, God keeps telling me to be patient and focus on the current task at hand. Growing up, there was so much emphasis on what you are going to do later on...the goal setting, the career counselors, the college visits & planning & applications. I am guilty of continuing this tradition as I sometimes find myself asking the little ones I nanny for what they might want to be when they grow up. But how often do we reinforce to children, to our friends, even to ourselves, that it is important to live into exactly where we are right now. Yes, I want to go to Kenya and there is not a day that goes by that I do not think about it. I recently found out there have been some evictions in the slum that have negatively affected one of the schools I visited this past summer. When I look at the canvas pictures on my wall, my heart breaks to think that those tender faces are now being faced without a school and possibly without a home. When I received the birthday card in the mail from the clinic, I cannot adequately describe the overwhelming joy and hope that I experienced. But as of now, I am called to be here, in Seattle, finishing school. And that isn't always easy for me to accept. I sometimes joke about making a weekend trip to Kenya (which literally would not be possible), but my heart just longs so much to see the people and the country that I love so much.

As Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." If I hadn't been here finishing school, I would not have had the privilege of raising money for the clinic...which thanks be to God currently totals around $1,400. For everyone who has given so sacrificially, I am so thankful and pray that God continues to bless you.

So today...I will camp at Starbucks, catch up on homework, and embrace the opportunity to learn.

Baby Steps

What About Bob is one of my favorite movies. (As my housemates know, I enjoy quoting this movie often!) One of the lessons the psychologist Dr. Marvin shares with Bob is to set small simple goals, or take "baby steps." So often in my life, I want to know the ultimate destination. I want to have a well-thought out plan, a detailed map, and multiple reference sources to gain insight from. I am not very good at "being spontaneous." Even this morning, I have a detailed list of things that need to happen between 6:00 am & 12 noon. Yet I think about the idea of taking baby steps and what that requires. It forces you to focus on the present and be in tune with what is right in front of you, not miles out or kilometers behind. Baby steps are intentional and allow you to spend a greater amount of time and energy in the present.

I want to sprint to Kenya. I want to fly through nursing school. I want to run through the long to-do list set before me. But what do I miss when I inhabit that sort of mentality? What is God doing to prepare me for the adventures ahead in the here and now? Is it worth it to miss the little things...tucking a child into bed, sharing a candy bar with a friend to catch up on each other's days, taking the time to work out and make applesauce pancakes?

I am slowly and surely growing into the woman that God is going to use in Kenya. I believe that (at least most days). I have been so blessed and encouraged by the response of family and friends in supporting me with donations for my birthday. Praise God almost 700 dollars has been raised (and it's not even my birthday yet!) I continue to be in contact with the people at Imara and I am always encouraged by the words they write. Peter sent me these words yesterday, "Be assured that everything you do is not in vain and God will surprise you soon." I hope I continue to put myself in a place of constant trust and excitement to serve the Lord above all else, in whatever capacity that may be.

The Least of These

“The King will reply, ‘Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.’ Matthew 25:40

Mother Teresa cautioned, "One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody." In this day and age, it can be hard to imagine how someone literally could have no one who cares about them. We live in a world where people have hundreds, even thousands, of people on their "friends" lists. Not to say accepting a Facebook friend request equals lifelong buddy, but the majority of us have a large circle of people who are a part of our lives. With technology and transportation advanced, very rarely do we ever find ourselves alone. Even if we physically are the sole occupant of a room, we connect via text messages, email, Skype, and are assured we will reunite with our family and friends within a short amount of time. Many of us have not just one, but many people we could call upon in a time of need. The friends who would give you a ride should your car break down. The friends who will answer the phone at 4 in the morning. The family members who would take you in should you find yourself out of housing and on the streets.

Where am I going with this you may ask?

This week, I saw some of the hardest things I have seen since being in nursing school. I am currently in the midst of my psych rotation and spent some time at a hospital that admits involuntary patients. I would have to say it was more heartbreaking than any wound, injury, or infection I have yet to witness. Even with the sickest of patients, I have never felt like their needs could not ultimately be met, even if it meant a peaceful death. Most of the time, when people are in the hospital, visitors, flowers, cards, balloons, and teddy bears occupy their otherwise sterile environment. In the psych hospital, I saw 1 visitor. Now despite your judgments as to whether or not these people deserve or need to be there, they are still human beings. Watching them sit in a bare room staring blankly at the community TV, gazing longingly out the window, surrendering their belongings, their identity, their medical care, and their humanity to a system and really a society who tells them they are not worth it...it brings me to tears even now. And the thing is...this is so much better than it was even a few years back!

I had so many questions, even more frustrations, but ultimately just had to surrender all of their lives to God. On my drive to the hospital on Wednesday, I listened to the hymn "I Surrender All." In the same way I have had to surrender the lives of all of the lovely people I met back in Kenya to the Lord, I had to give up these individuals too. I can't help them in the way that my heart desires too. Truth is, I do not think I am cut out for that kind of work. Even the staff that truly care are caught up in the red tape of the medical and legal world. Yet I will never look at a person with schizophrenia or bipolar or whatever other label we have the same again. Some of them literally have no one in this world. No one they can call up and cry to. No one to give them a hug. No one to go home to at night. No one who cares whether they have a warm place to sleep or not, There are people like that all over the world. The greatest suffering is not physical pain or a disease process- it is the scars of rejection, the wounds of abandonment, and the toxicity of feeling unloved.

In all the chapters I have read, assignments I have completed, clinical hours I have attended...no one ever tells you how to cope with helplessness. We are taught there are always nursing skills and objectives that can be utilized and that all patients have one or more nursing diagnoses. Still, I cry out to God and say, "I cannot do this. It hurts way too much." And God says, "Oh good, you are beginning to experience my heart for humanity." It's not about being a nurse. It's not about an career or education or human position that has been created. It is about accepting God's love for us and learning how to love others. Especially others who cannot yet love you in return. The sacrificial kind. The kind where you don't get your money back, where there is no rebate offer, and all things considered, it is not a good deal. But it's eternal. It's real and it breaks you. It shows true colors and it magnifies intentions. I don't naturally possess that kind of love. But God does. And where I am weak, God is strong.

Safety Net

In 1859, 25 cents could buy you a view of Jean Francois Gravelet crossing the Niagara Falls on...a tightrope. Not only did he succeed, he went on to cross the falls many times, adding in challenges such as walking on stilts, pushing a wheelbarrow, cooking an omelet, and carrying his manager on his shoulder! Talk about faith. The whole idea seems absurd to me, yet there's something about this guy I find so intriguing. What compels someone to risk everything? I imagine for him the thought of doing something that no one had ever done, perhaps something no one felt was even possible. You know how in school they always ask who you would invite to a dinner party if you could invite anyone...past or present? Well I am adding this guy to the list...

So why the whole tightrope, faith thing? I was reading Jesus Calling and was struck by these words. "I want you to be all mine. I am weaning you from other dependencies. Your security rests in me alone- not in other people, not in circumstances. Depending on me may feel like walking on a tightrope, but there is a safety net underneath: the everlasting arms. So don't be afraid of falling. Instead, look ahead to me. I am always before you, beckoning you on- one step at a time."

I've spent my whole life being afraid. Afraid of not being good enough, not being loved, afraid of losing friendships, afraid of not performing to the level at which I felt was expected. Living in fear is a life of bondage. It's far more than dependence on a safety net. It's more like never even stepping out on the rope. I am the girl who spends family ski day curled up in the lodge. When possible, I avoid driving. I worry that I may not wake up so I set 3 alarms. Yet, the thing about faith and giving yourself up to God...you don't really get to say "God here is all of me, except I still will decide whether I am going to do this or not." God is calling me to do some stuff that requires I completely surrender myself to him. It doesn't really make rational sense, it isn't the most plausible of things to do, it comes with a whole lot of unknowns, in my life- it really is the ultimate tightrope. Still, God asks for all of me. So I pray I will have the courage and the faith to completely surrender to his will. If I am going to risk my life, then I most definitely want to risk my life for the One who created me, the One who sustains life.