Strength for the Day

Sometimes it just takes everything within me to crawl out of bed in the morning. This primarily has to do with exhaustion and my body begging for another hour, even another few minutes of sleep. Yet there is also an element of getting out of bed that signifies taking on all the burdens, responsibilities, unfinished to-do lists, etc. that carry over from the day before. I find it can be rather overwhelming. Nursing school and perhaps the profession of nursing as well, presents such a double standard: we are suppose to be all things for all people, while simultaneously taking good care of ourselves and not let ourselves get burned out. Well that may work on paper or in words, but how do you realistically do that?

I had a moment, rather several moments this past week, where I legitimately could say "I don't think I want to be a nurse." This somewhat charged statement stemmed from a variety of circumstances, but in retrospect, I think I really was trying to say "I don't want to only be a nurse" and "I am more than a nursing student" and "I can't do this on my own." There is so much pressure to invest all your energy into this process of becoming a nurse, which is great except that suggests that our identity lies in our up and coming careers in nursing. Now I think this has become an acceptable model of education because nursing is such a respected career and to some extent is more holistic in nature than other careers. But I refuse to believe nursing is who I am. I have strengths and weaknesses and hopes and dreams and fears and triumphs and abilities- all of which I believe shape how I view and engage in nursing, and not the other way around. I am loved by God simply because I am His creation and his child- not because I am becoming a nurse or because I want to help people. Yes, nursing provides the opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus, but I refuse to believe that nurses are held to any separate standard in the Lord's eyes. [stepping down from my soap box]

Strength for the day: that often is my prayer and my request each morning. Some days it is more like strength for the hour or for a class or presentation or test I have to endure. I often receive the comment "I don't know how you do all that you do" and the honest answer to that is "I don't, God does." It's the times when I do try to lean on my own strength and understanding that I fall flat on my face. And here is the perfect segue back to Kenya. From the beginning, the desire and the inspiration behind this awareness and fundraising adventure has been from the Lord. I mean I really just caught a vision and ran full speed ahead with it. I hate speaking in front of a lot of people- yet I knew that's what I needed to do. I really don't enjoy asking people for money- yet I have and still feel complete peace that encouraging people to share their resources is okay. I thought maybe I could raise a couple hundred dollars- to date, over $1,300 has been collected. I am simply an instrument, the microphone through which God is speaking.

All this to say, I feel much more at peace when I think about God continuing to lead and guide my every step through the seasons of life. I look forward to the people I meet, the conversations we have, the laughs we share, and the tears we shed. I continue to ask God to show me the fullness of His love for me, and soften my heart to be able to embrace it. And I don't have to be a nurse to do so. I don't have to perfect grades. I don't have to prove myself. I am loved. I am wanted. And I will be used.

A Thankful Heart

This week was arguably one of the most crazy weeks in my entire life. To get a small taste of what I mean, over the first 4 nights of this week, I got a total of 10 hours of sleep. (Sorry mom!) But as I have said before, God is so faithful and there were so many moments that I look back on and am so grateful for.

I gave 3 presentations about Kenya this week to Microbiology, Junior, and Senior Nursing classes. They were all so wonderful- attentive and supportive. Microbiology alone donated $247 on the spot! Probably the most rewarding part of it all is having conversations with people afterwards, and hearing about what other people are passionate about. That was one of the reasons why I really wanted to do these presentations- there is just something about hearing someone talk about something that their heart is passionate about that makes the person watching think about what it is that they love and care about. Even though I only have one more presentation scheduled, I just don't really want to stop! So we will see where God leads next.

I have run into a roadblock, but as far as roadblocks go, it is a GREAT one to run into. Basically, this whole campaign/supply drive thing has gone way beyond the scope I initially had anticipated. I have already raised more than enough money to stock up the Mukuru clinic's supply room. So now I am considering finding another clinic or two to provide supplies too. I also realize that there is no way I can take all the supplies with me, so I am exploring options of purchasing supplies locally. It really would be the best option- it would help to support the local economy, I wouldn't have to try and transport a ton of supplies, and it would allow for things to be purchased more on an as-needed basis. I would have the opportunity to actually assess the needs and then purchase supplies accordingly, which would be ideal. At this point, I am trusting that God will continue to direct me, and pray that all the people who have donated will rest assured that I will ensure their money goes to the purchasing of medical supplies.

When I think about how many people have come together to support this cause, I just have to say "Thank You Lord" because it really is unbelievable. I mean we are still in economically challenging times, many donations have come from college students attending a very expensive school, and this is just one of many, many good causes to support all around the world. I can only say thank you, and all glory be to the Lord.

Power of Touch

"Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work." Mother Teresa

Today I started my first IV today. In a real person. In an actual patient. I mention this first because it really was a feat, something I will look back on and always remember. It was [and totally still is] a scary and nerve-wracking task to perform, but I can no longer say "I can't do it." Because I did. But what I really learned from my clinical experience today was about touch.

The majority of the day I spent shadowing an IV nurse. Essentially, we would get a page or an order via the computer, go up or down to the patient room, start a new IV or change a dressing or assess a PICC line- and then move on to the next assignment. Now first I must say this nurse was really good at what she did. No doubt about that. However, from the beginning of the day, I just kept thinking how can you just walk into a room, stick a needle in a patient and just leave? It was hard for me to do so- I wanted to assess how the patient was doing, whether they were in pain, know why they were in the hospital, offer some sort of comforting words...essentially just find out something more than what kind of veins they had. So I didn't have very high hopes for having a great day of connecting with patients.

But God is so good, so faithful, and has such a way of showing up in exactly the ways I need Him most, but don't expect Him to. Sometime mid-morning we went in to start a new IV in an older woman. She was apprehensive about being poked again, but otherwise was quite pleasant. I could tell she was in a lot of pain, so I instinctively just put my hand on her shoulder. She looked over at me, a bit surprised, but smiled slightly and sighed in a sense of relief. And in that moment, I knew that was all she needed from me right then. Just my hand touching her shoulder spoke volumes more than any words I could have come up with in that moment. I was communicating that I recognized she was a person, and in that moment, I wanted to care solely for her. It is always a challenge for me to disengage from such touching moments like that, but I also had peace that even that momentary connection was powerful.

I continued to experience this power of touch throughout the day. Every time I sensed a patient was struggling a bit- maybe in pain or lonely or discouraged or just in need of a little love- I would grab their hand, or stroke their arm. And every time the response was just so telling. People need love. People need to know they aren't alone in this world. And I can only imagine that for many of these patients...lying in bed alone with a list of diagnoses, a sterile looking-room, constantly being monitored, poked, assessed, administered to....even though they may be getting adequate, even exceptional, medical & nursing care- sometimes I think we forgot that maybe they just need us to let them know we care about them. And care enough to touch them. For the simple purpose of saying "I'm here."

One of the last patients of the day was a woman who had just arrived at the hospital. I don't know much about her medical condition or prognosis aside from severe pain related to a huge tumor on her ovaries. While the nurse initiated an IV, I was just chatting with her- making small talk and kind of getting a feel for the situation. She was describing her pain and what events led her to be in the hospital right now, and I nodded slightly to indicate I really did feel for her. I said something along the lines of "I hope better days are in your future" and just lightly touched her on the leg. And she just started crying. A lot. So much so that the nurse was a bit uncomfortable and was looking around for tissue. I volunteered to get some, instinctively. When I came back she was still crying, and I set down the tissue, and just went up to her, grabbed her hand. I looked into her eyes, and gave her a little squeeze. And I reiterated that I sincerely hoped that she would be relieved of her pain and suffering soon, and that she would be in my prayers. And she looked at me, and I just knew that she knew it was going to be okay. Maybe not right at that moment, maybe not without some more pain. But she wasn't going to give up.

Although nursing technical skills are important and a necessary part of being a nurse, I just cannot help but think that it just has to be more than that. For me at least, it has to be more. I want to love my patients. I want to know them in a way that makes them feel like they are the only person in the world in the moments I am interacting with them. I want to bless them. I want to encourage them. I want them to be able to cry. I want them to know they are loved. I want them to know that I am going to be there. I may not be able to take away pain. I may not be able to lead them into a full recovery. I may not even perform all of my skills to perfection. But I want all my patients to know they mean something and were fearfully and wonderfully made by our Father. And for me, that is the heart of nursing.

A Lesson Learned

As I sit at Starbucks, knowing full well I should be working on long care plan, but realizing that until I am able to release some of the things weighing on my heart, I really cannot work effectively. Although I could probably sit here and write about my experiences from the last 2 days for several hours, I will limit myself to sharing one thing that one of my patients taught me this week.

In nursing school, when studying a disease or any condition a patient may be experiencing, we learn about the causes or the etiology of that disease. Now the cause of a disease can be something that one has relatively no control over- maybe it is something you are born with or caused by the invasion of an infectious agent into the body. Lots of conditions are caused by the combination of multiple risk factors: sedentary lifestyle, diet, genetic predisposition, environment, alcohol, smoking, age, the list just goes on and on.

Where am I going with this? Well, it really just hit me that as health care providers, the way we interact with patients often times is influenced by our perception of how the disease came to be, and our bias as to whether or not the patient played a role. I think human nature naturally leads us to feel a greater compassion towards someone born with a congenital disease versus an older adult who has accumulated multiple chronic diseases at least partially related to lifestyle choices. So how do you overcome these inevitable biases to provide each and every patient with the care they deserve, simply for being a human being??

So one of my patients had a history of IV heroin use. It was unclear of when the last time they had injected. This patient was suffering from several serious infections causing extensive pain. I was warned that interacting with this patient would be difficult and that it would be best if tried to go into their room as little as possible. I took this as more of a challenge to find out what was really going on with the patient, than as a reason to stay away. I immediately felt a deep sense of compassion and really developed a connection just after our first conversation. Now perhaps the 2 days I cared for this patient, they happened to be more agreeable and cooperative than previously- but I honestly attribute my ability to connect to this patient to simply making sure they knew that I cared about them. In that moment, I did not care if they had shot up on heroin the moment before hospital admission. I didn't care that they complained about pain constantly. I didn't care that they were not outright friendly and interactive, or that they often were resistant to treatments and nursing care. And it made the difference. Instead of ushering me away and resisting care, I was given permission to come back in the room anytime, as their "schedule was pretty free."

As I was around this patient for a couple days, I witnessed some of the conversations the doctors and other health care providers had, both with the patient and in the hallways. Although no one outright said it, there was a sense of frustration that the patient wasn't fully cooperating, and I got the feeling that they felt this patient should be more grateful for the care he was receiving. I saw people roll their eyes, speak patronizingly, completely disregard the patients' pain needs, and fail to get to know this patient on any level aside from his medical history. And it pisses me off. It really does. And sadly, I know that most likely if this was an individual with a pleasant and easygoing personality without a history of drug use, they would not be treated in this way.

Yet in the midst of frustration, my heart continues to move towards compassion and advocacy. As much as I want to make sure this never happens to another patient, I know in some ways that is just inevitable. No one neglected his medical needs, and they were all providing competent care. All I can do is allow God to use me to love and bless the patients that are placed in my care for the time I am given. It is so hard to walk away from a situation like that. I can only hope and pray that someone else will take the time to get to know the patient. Someone who will know just as much about his love of fishing or how many states he has lived in or his dreams, as they know about his platelets, vital signs, or antibiotic therapy.

Provision

I am currently overwhelmed by the Lord's provision in my life, no matter how many times I doubt or worry or live in fear, the Lord continues to be so faithful. This morning I took a nursing exam and even though I did not necessarily study every possible hour this weekend or know every fact there was to know, I have peace knowing that I gave it a good go and reassurance that I did well, or at least well enough. I found out last night that our landlord will allow us to stay into June, which is a HUGE sigh of relief and weight off my shoulders. This past week has been rather stress-filled but I got to do a lot of things that I really wanted to do: volunteered at the food bank, attended a community event at PATH, went to the women's soccer game, bought too many books at the book sale, and had some awesome conversations with friends.

Honestly, when I look back on my college years, I am not going to remember the score I got on an exam or how many Americanos I bought to get me through the week or the intricate details of nursing theory. I am going to remember sitting watching a dear friend play soccer while having a heart-to-heart with another fellow nursing student in the stands. I will remember tucking in the kids at night and having them call out from their beds "hug Alyssa hug!" I will not remember how many hours I studied at Starbucks, but the faithful friends who were there with me, reminding me to stretch my legs, drink some water, and take a break every now and again. That is life. That is living. And I want to live.

And last but definitely not least, I got an email today that left me speechless with gratitude. Sempermed, an exam glove manufacturer, said they would like to donate some gloves to the health clinic! I feel so touched that a big corporation would take the time to respond to a letter from a college student across the country. Praise God from whom all blessings flow!

A Day in the Life

This week was my first week back at clinical for the quarter. I am on a new floor, and so far have enjoyed it very much. I had an amazing patient. I really enjoyed getting to know her and learned a lot about how attitude and faith that better things are yet to come really does impact recovery.

On a different note, I paid careful attention to the amount of medical supplies I used during the 8 hours in the hospital.

-Computer: all charting is done electronically

-Dynamap: this is an all-inclusive vitals monitor; I also used a thermometer

-Stethoscope

-watch

-Gloves (and LOTS of them), probably at least 10 pairs

-2 band aids

-5 towels for a shower

-tape

-2 packs peri-wipes

-gait belt, walker

-alcohol swabs

-misc. personal care items

-gauze pad

-all her medications (taken from a fully stocked medication room)

And honestly, this was a relatively non-complex patient who didn't require a whole lot of care. It definitely puts things into perspective- it's just hard to even imagine how a nurse can care for patients without any supplies.

Dream Big

Today in church we discussed living out the visions which God places on your heart and not abandoning them due to distractions of fear, criticism, and other opportunities. I was deeply encouraged by this, as I truly believe this fundraiser/supply drive for the health clinic in Kenya is something that God has called me to do. It really just came to me all at once and I have already seen God's faithfulness at work in just a weeks time! Yes, I am scared. I don't normally like speaking in front of a lot of people. I worry that students will not be interested or engaged. I fear that maybe I am just getting my hopes up that this is going to be a success. But then I remember the point of all this- that those without voices in Kenya, and really all over the world are heard. That their cries have ears to fall upon and that just maybe those of us blessed enough to live in a country that provides basic health care can give a little of ourselves so that others may live too.

One of my favorite songs is "Dream Big" by Ryan Shupe. Here are some of the lyrics:

When you cry be sure to dry your eyes
'Cause better days are sure to come
And when you smile be sure to smile wide
Don't let them know that they have won
And when you walk, walk with pride
Don't show the hurt inside
Because the pain will soon be gone

And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way

So I am going to dream big. I am going to hope and pray that God blesses this effort beyond what I could ever possibly do on my own. And it may not all go smoothly. I have already come up against resistance. But I know this is what I am suppose to do. And God is so much bigger than my human abilities to pull this off.