Night Shifts, Naps, & Nonprofits

And so it begins....


I had my first three night shifts on the floor this past week.  I am exhausted, despite almost two whole "recovery days."  It is not just the fact that I am physically tired....I am mentally and emotionally drained.  I don't know how it is with other jobs and transitioning from school to the "real world" but in my case, none of my clinical experiences adequately prepared me for the complex conditions that the kids on my floor have.  I keep telling people that the unit I am working on basically requires me to do all the things I wasn't allowed to do in nursing school....central lines, blood transfusions, narcotics, lab draws, chemotherapy....  Needless to say, I am learning A LOT.  I will be learning a lot for a long, long time.  The hardest part is you know you aren't supposed to know everything and that you will make mistakes, but you just pray that the mistakes you make will not harm a child....its not like making someone the wrong drink at Starbucks....

Everyone wants to know "Do you love your job?"  Well, I don't see that as an easy question to answer, especially after such a short time.  The best answer I can give is...I think eventually I will.  The truth of the matter is at this point everything is just overwhelming.  Not necessarily in a bad way, but everything is new, you are desperately trying to cram in all this new information while still using your basic clinical judgment, and converting all of your adult clinical experience to pediatrics, and trying to ask the right questions and do things safely....there just isn't enough time or energy to really fully embrace the moment.  I mean, of the 13 hours shift, I probably had maybe 15 minutes where I felt I could really be present with my patient and not be thinking about 58556 other things....  I know it will take time...and I have to be patient with myself, but at the same time, you don't really want to ever let your guard down so much that you aren't double checking all the things you really need to.  I just pray that every shift I will have at least one moment that reminds me, okay this is why you are doing this, and so far that has been the case.  One patient shared about how hard it has been for her to have her disease and in those few minutes, I felt like my presence actually was making a difference.  And I think that is really what nursing is.  A lot of busyness and chaos and running around like crazy...but also those tender moments of making a difference in your patients' lives.

What keeps me going through all of this....the nonprofit....Imani Care International.  Hopefully in the next month or two, I will have a website to direct you to, in order to give you a more comprehensive picture of what Imani Care is all about.  God has been so faithful in bringing things together to make my dream a reality.  I am still in the process of wading through some of the legal paperwork, but all things considered, everything thus far has moved faster than I could have hoped for.  A number of people have really gotten on board to help...a graphic artist is working on a logo, a college student is helping with the website, my attorneys have been wonderful, the board of directors has been extremely flexible and encouraging...  I continue to be in contact with those at the clinic in Kenya and they continue to encourage me and remind me why I am doing all of this.  I am hoping to be able to make a trip to Kenya sometime in the January/February time frame....I am still trying to figure out exactly how to approach this topic with my supervisor...but I do have peace that God wants me to continue to invest in Kenya, even while I am working here in the States.

I am reminded that following God's call is not necessarily suppose to be easy or always enjoyable.  It's hard to put yourself in a position of truly having to trust in God's strength and faithfulness to bring you through each moment.  And it's kind of ironic...but starting this nonprofit I had no previous experience or education, and am essentially doing it all by faith....and I have found a lot of joy in it.  And of course, nursing I have been working towards that for years and had plenty of education and preparation, and it is the hardest, scariest thing I have ever done!  Ha Ha!  So there you go :)  But I will press on and continue to take in all that I am supposed to learn through it all, and live for those moments of joy....

Three is a Magic Number

Yesterday was a big day.  For whatever reason, I had a feeling that I would find out about the status of my nursing license and nonprofit organization on the same day.  It has been a couple of weeks chalked filled with good news and reason to celebrate...1) I have a job, a wonderful position that I have dreamed about since I was 12 years old, 2) I passed by board exam and now am officially a registered nurse, and 3) Imani Care International now exists as a public benefit corporation.  [Is this real life??]  


Last night I was so excited to blog because I had been waiting for the "big three" to actually happen.  I began drafting the contents of the blog post in my head (which I often do), but kept coming up short in terms of the title.  The title....I always put this unnecessary pressure upon myself about the title of things.  I know the impact of first impressions and when it comes to the written word...the title is like a magnet...and you hold it is positioning to the side that draws people in (and not repels them!).  Yes it is just my personal blog and at the end of the day, I could title the post "Thursday" and it wouldn't matter.  One day I would like to write a book, and I anticipate the most difficult aspect to be deciding on a title and design for the cover.  It seems like one of those things where you only really get one chance....to knock it out of the park...or strike out.  In watching the Olympics, specifically gymnastics, I cannot imagine what it must feel like to spend years working towards something, and in a couple of moments having that dream, that aspiration fade away.  And with Olympic gymnastics...it's rare that you get another shot at it.  {This is all headed SOMEWHERE...I promise!!!}


On the radio the other day, they were sharing this little story about a lady in the scrapbook store commenting that she was "saving all of her good stickers."  Apparently the store clerk overhead her and essentially scolded the woman for hoarding and not living in the moment.  When I heard it, I immediately thought...oh no....I save my "good" scrapbook stuff too!  Of course, the story really isn't about scrapbooking supplies...though it made me question what project I am saving the "good" stuff for....  It's about the way we approach life and our willingness to put ourselves on the line, take a chance knowing we may come short, but resting assured we did not leave a stone unturned.  Use the nice dishes!  Go on that vacation!  Stop making a bucket list and start doing it!


When I think about the events that have taken place in the couple of months, it is hard to believe that I am only 22 years old.  But God always reminds me that our days on this Earth are numbered and there is no time like the present to move forward on what you are called to do.  Since junior high, I wanted to be a pediatric oncology nurse.  Sometimes I would mention this to my peers and they would look at me confused...not knowing what I was talking about.  This dream stemmed from a combination of my love of children, my encounters with people who had battled cancer, and my deep desire to help people.  I held this dream close...imagining a life of me moving to TN and working at St. Judes and maybe even making it on one of their commercials someday..haha  As I volunteered at the children's hospital in high school (the one I now am employed by), I loved every moment of it and knew it was what I wanted to do.  This dream stayed strong through the first 2 years of college.  Everything was on track.


And then God asked me to give it up.  Stab in the heart.  He started asking me to think about serving internationally.  I remember saying...God I will give you a couple weeks a year....I will go on missions trips...I will volunteer, but don't ask me to move there.  Don't ask me to give up everything.  Oh we wrestled...it probably took at least 6 months before I would even consider the idea of moving overseas.  At that moment, I was in the planning stages of my much anticipated Kenya volunteering time.  See I did want to go to Kenya.  I love travelling and I knew I wanted to go spend time there.  But I wanted to do it on my terms and I still didn't think it was going to be something I would be invested in for life.  And then I got there...and my heart was forever changed.  All of the sudden, I couldn't imagine doing anything else with my life but loving those people in Kenya and providing healthcare.  Now I was thinking Okay wow God, now I understand why you are sovereign and your plans are perfect.  I will give everything to stay here and be with these people.  


Beware of the moment you think you have everything figured out.  It should caution you.  So I came back...wanted to do nothing with the U.S. and had my sights on going back...to be a Mother Teresa figure in Kenya.  And then God asked me to give that up.  What???!!!  I thought this is what YOU wanted God.  I finally have seen these people through your eyes and now you are going to just rip that away from me???    I was devastated.  I couldn't believe this.  As I write this, I am reminded that anything we hold too closely can become an idol, can become something that keeps our eyes off of the Lord.  So I let it go.  I didn't let my passion, emotions, and love go, but I let go of the plans and ideas I had in terms of what the next chapter of life would look like.  And it gives me chills to write this...not long after I let it go....I got it back.  Yes, I was handed it back and told okay now start a nonprofit!  Oh my my my...God you are FUNNY!  I can't do that.  Me??  Start a nonprofit??  I never took a business class in my life!  Find someone else to do that...I just want to love people and be a nurse!   


Well fast forward...and I got everything my heart desired and MORE.  Both of my dreams came true, though they are constantly evolving, changing, morphing, and I try my best not to hold them too closely.  I am blessed.  And because of that, I want to be a blessing to others.  Both here and abroad.  And so the adventure continues....and what an adventure it has been.

Standing In Awe

Though it has only been several weeks since I last blogged, each day has been packed full of answered prayers, leaps of faith, and doors swinging wide open.  In the midst of the whirlwind, I now take a moment to stand back in utter amazement.  Where to begin..


Well, let's start with the picture to the left.  Peter sent it to me this week- it is the newly renovated clinic, complete with a reception desk!  You may remember that a van crashed into the front of the clinic back in the winter, about the same time I was seeking birthday funds for the clinic.  The renovation you are looking at is a direct result of the generosity of many family and friends.  So thank you, from both me and many grateful individuals in Nairobi.


Next on the list....do I have a job?  When am I taking my board exam?  Am I a real nurse yet?  The answers are not yet, in several weeks, and no.  Until yesterday evening, I had not yet received my authorization to test from the state of California.  Every day that passed without that anticipated email increased my stress level, especially as the board of nursing's recorded message stated they are no longer accepting phone calls.  As anxious as I was to be cleared to take my exam, I definitely was enjoying the true summer vacation and used the "down time" to pour myself into nonprofit things.  So I will take my board exam on July 23 (meaning I better start actually studying) and then hopefully apply for and receive a nursing position at the children's hospital.


Alright enough about that...on to the exciting stuff!  I had the opportunity to meet with several attorneys a couple weeks ago, and by God's grace found a firm that got my vote.  I have been attending two community education classes: Grantwriting and Developing & Managing a Nonprofit.  I enjoy them both, and have met some interesting people.  The timing of taking the classes and not having a job yet so I can attend the classes is no coincidence.  This week I took on the project of going through my room at home and turning our spare room into my office, or what I like to jokingly call "headquarters."  I guess all those office supplies I have been hoarding may actually come in handy...


So what is next?  Well, I am begininng to recruit a board of directors, will file the articles of incorporation soon, and will continue to seek advice in order to develop a thorough organizational plan.  I have a newfound appreciation for a variety of specialities including web design and accounting.  There are many skills which I can teach myself enough to get by.  I do not think creating the webpage is one of them. 


I know this is getting long and my sister has probably stopped reading paragraphs ago.  I must acknowledge the faithfulness and provision of God in all of this.  There are many examples I could share but most recently I was just praying for God to show me if I was supposed to move forward with the nonprofit, and if so, to make it clear.  That same day I received a check I had forgotten about in the mail and a good friend asked me to come and share with a group of people that weekend.  Then today I received an email about Seattle Pacific's global health exhibit at Seattle Center that I had been interviewed for about a month ago, but had not thought of much since.  When I saw the picture of me with Blessings, I just thought this is why I am doing all this.  This is why I am walking in faith into a world totally foreign to me.  This is why even though I have no homework or tests that I gladly stay up late into the night working on various tasks.  This is why I still can look at pictures from my trip and cry.  It reminds me of this quote a friend shared with me....God doesn't call the qualified, he qualifies the called.  Be encouraged, my friends.

Goodbyes & Hellos

Since I returned from Kenya 9 months ago, I knew I was reluctantly coming back to the U.S. to finish nursing school for the sake of everything that I saw and experienced.  When I came to college, it was for me.  I wanted to get a degree.  I wanted to be a nurse.  I wanted to have a career and build a life for myself.  But God broke my heart for something else.  I am grateful for Seattle Pacific University and nursing school for propelling me forward to live out what God has called me to.  Yet my graduation cap commemorates the real reason why I finished the hardest season of my life- for the beautiful, gracious people in Kenya who stole my heart.

What's next?  That is the question of the hour.  Although there was a period of time when I desperately tried to avoid the answer to the question altogether, I am slowly finding peace as God's still small voice continues to reassure me and reveal small portions of His plan of me.  The big question people ask: When are you going to Kenya?  The best answer I can give is in the Lord's time.  I honestly do not know when I will get to go back.  I do think that the next trip I make will be for several weeks, and not a permanent move.  God has been leading me down a road I NEVER envisioned myself taking- starting a non-profit organization.  I always thought I was entering the "helping profession" so I would not have to be in the middle of the business world and constantly crunch the numbers.  Well- you quickly realize healthcare is one of the biggest businesses there is, and to truly make a difference, you cannot avoid the politics, legal aspects, and red tape altogether.  So I enter this new season completely admitting I am not equipped, prepared, or confident, but I am trusting God wholeheartedly and continue to wake up excited about the prospect of working towards a sustainable solution for the clinic.

I look forward to the opportunity of continuing to share my passion and vision with more and more people as I begin the long road of starting a NPO.  If it were up to me, I would pack my bags, buy myself a plane ticket, and go to Kenya, figuring out a way to stay there.  But that is not what is best for the clinic, for the patients, for me....and God has just shown me that so clearly over the past few months.  But He knows my heart.  He knows I can't not do something.  He knows my heart is going to be broken for the rest of my life, as I think it should be.  So He led me down this new path...one that will be really hard, but I believe extremely rewarding and I now cannot imagine not doing it.

To everyone who has played a role in bringing me to this moment of graduation, thank you.  "Thank you" does not fully capture everything that I want to tell you, but know that I fully recognize I could not have done this without all of your love, support, and prayers.  And do not fear- you will get that same opportunity in this next season of life!  I will need all the help, encouragement, and support that I can get to start a NPO.  But as for now I let the words of one of my favorite songs, "Dream Big" capture my emotions...

When you laugh be sure to laugh out loud
'Cause it will carry all your cares away
And when you see, see the beauty all around and in yourself
And it'll help you feel okay
And when you pray, pray for strength
To help you carry on
When the troubles come your way
And when you dream, dream big
As big as the ocean blue
'Cause when you dream it might come true
When you dream, dream big

Truth & Light

I stumbled upon a Facebook page entitled "Mukuru Slum News."  I was excited to have another first-person source of information from a place half a world away.  Then I read the byline "Telling the truth about Mukuru is hard but not telling the truth is even harder."  That really got to me.  I have always felt that as a human being knowing about the suffering other humans are going through is my responsibility, possibly even my calling.  When I see this picture, I think not only about the livelihood of those two children.  I think about that source of water, what organisms are in it, what diseases they are at risk for.  I think about what kind of school they are going to, how many years they will have the opportunity to learn, and what their ambitions are.  I think about how many people in Nairobi know that there are thousands of people who lives in the slums, with the potential for an entire generation to be completely abandoned and deprived of the basic amenities.  But I also see hope- I see a glimmer of light.  I am encouraged that they are wearing school uniforms, and hopefully that even a meager about of education will inspire them to dream of a better life.  I see resilience and courage, cultivated out of necessity, but important traits that will carry them through the rest of their lives.

With three weeks left of nursing school, I cannot believe that I have almost reached the light at the end of the tunnel.  For anyone who has known me over the past several years, you can verify that I verbalized wanting to drop out and concluding that I couldn't do it countless times.  It has been a really challenge, but I've made it and I have to say only by God's abundant grace.  He must REALLY want me to be a nurse, because if I had anything to do with it, I would not have come this far.  A lot of people have asked me what I am doing next.  Although my entire being desperately wants to return to Kenya as soon as possible, I realize that my work and contribution would be far more sustainable if I can save and raise more money and start a non-profit before returning.  Even writing that out brings tears to my eyes because my heart longs to just be in community with my beloved Kenyans.  I never thought that God would call me to sacrifice by staying in America....ironic huh?  So I will be looking for a real job in California and beginning to work on starting a non-profit.  I can definitely say these are God's plans and not my own because I would have never imagined taking this road.  In most ways, I have absolutely NO idea what I am doing, but that is what keeps me depending on God.

So as my formal education comes to an end, the door to lifelong learning swings wide open.  Even though essentially nothing about college has gone the way I had hoped or planned, I am grateful for all the experiences that have led me to where I am today.  One of my greatest inspirations Mother Teresa said these words that I will end with:

"There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter.  We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, too much pain.  Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call and answer in extraordinary ways."

Be Kind

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." 
-Plato


I have always been amazed by God's grace to teach me important life lessons when I am a distracted and selfish learner.  The quote above has been one that has left an impression on me ever since I first heard it.  I often tell people that the very best friends I have in my life are typically people I initially do not have positive interactions with.  I think I tend to make a lot of assumptions about people when I first met them, but once I get to know them, there are very few people I do not get along with.  There is something powerful about knowing someone's story, their situation, their experiences.  Yet I am reminded that everyone has a story, whether or not I have read it.  Let me share several examples from this week.

I summarized this first interaction in my facebook status.  As I was coming home from clinical yesterday, I was in a minor fender bender accident.  A woman backed up without looking in her rearview, and I did not have enough time to get out of her way.  As I watched her back into my car, I remember thinking how I really did not have time and energy for this, and thought about how she should have just looked in her mirror! (which is extremely selfish since my driving track record is far from flawless).  I waited for her to get out of her car, but after a minute, I decided to get out myself to assess the damage.  The damage was superficial, paint scratched off, just cosmetic really.  She slowly opened her door, and at this point I noticed two young children in the back seat, one of whom was crying hysterically.  The woman walked over to me and was just sobbing uncontrollably.  I immediately forget about the fact she was the driver who had just hit me, and put my arm around her and proceeded to repeatedly tell her "it's okay."  As more tears flowed, she shared that this was a rental car, that she is visiting from Europe, that her son had a high fever and she didn't know what to do, and how awful her day had been.  I assisted her in calling the rental car company and tried to explain what a claim was.  I kept saying, I just want to make sure you are okay.  And I meant it.  I wish I could have said I would have responded that way had I not known what she was going through, but the truth is, I probably wouldn't have.  After some further reassurance and ensuring she had a doctor to take him to and a place to go home to, I got back in my car and continued on with my day.  I felt really blessed to have been hit.  I know that sounds weird, but I will always remember that interaction, and how only by God's grace to me was I able to extend love to her.  And it was so powerful.

This week at clinical, I had a challenging Monday.  My patients were not receptive to care, and both of them expressed to me how much they disliked being "bothered" by me.  It is a hard place to be because there are certain things as a nurse you must do to care for the patient, but they may involve disturbed their sleep, poking them, asking a lot of questions, etc.  I just tried to keep telling myself, do the things you have to do for them and do them cheerfully, and as you leave their room, just give them to the Lord.  Yet I still kept feeling unfulfilled, and selfishly, I think we all want to feel appreciated for the work that we are doing.  But I was humbled, because it really isn't about me.  And everyone is entitled to feel how they feel.  And in all honesty, I am not sure I would enjoy people coming in and out of my room while I am sick and just want to be left alone.  Coming to the hospital on Tuesday, I just was not feeling it.  I was sure it was going to be another horrible day (I can be dramatic....).  Yet it turned out to be one of the best clinical days I have ever had.  I had an awesome nurse- she really was my heaven-sent angel.  Of my three patients, two were absolutely delightful to care for.  My third one threatened to fire me :)  But the uniting factor in all of their situations was they had these incredibly stories.  And I naturally enjoyed listening and conversing with the two that openly shared.  Yet my heart still felt for my unhappy client.  And instead of being upset with him, I just thought to myself, Alyssa, he is a man who feels like he has lost all control, over his life, his body, what is happening to him.  All he has left is the words he exchanges.  And if by saying "you're fired" gives him a small amount of control back, then let him have it.  Let him fire you.  Once I let that go, I was able to be so much more present for my other patients and just filled with a love and a curiosity about this gruff man.

Finally, today I also dreaded going to community health.  (Yes, I guess me dreading things r/t school is a common theme).  But I was so blessed by the women we got to interact with.  They were so gracious and even though we were "serving the community" by spending time with them, it was their wisdom that so deeply touched me.  One woman apologized to me for smoking.  She then assessed me and said I bet you don't smoke, do you?  And I looked at her for a moment and said, You know, had I been in different circumstances and lived the life you have, who says I wouldn't be smoking too.  And she smiled and said I first smoked a cigarette down in Texas because some of the kids threatened to beat me up if I didn't.  As we continue to spend time together, I was humbled and convicted.  Here I was having a great time, laughing, joking, talking with these women.  Yet how many times have I looked upon this same demographic with scorn, with judgment, with preconceived notions about the lives they lead.  I finally began to understand their lives.  I took some steps in their shoes.  As we bused to the food bank, as I stood in line, I momentarily was thinking okay how am I suppose to carry all the food back to my house?  Of course, I wasn't getting food, and when I shop, I put the groceries in my car.  But I thought, wow, I am finally starting to see some of the realities of what its like to depend on government and charity-related resources.  A lot of people have good intentions, but there are still a lot of obstacles for homeless and low-income individuals to climb.

In light of so many lessons learn by spending time with people, studying for a pathophysiology exam seems a bit futile....:)

The Next Step

"Faith is taking the next step, even when you cannot see the entire staircase." Martin Luther King Jr.

I don't know what I am going to do once June 9th arrives. Yes, I will graduate with a Bachelor's Degree in Nursing. Yes, I will then have to study to take my board exam, and eventually become a licensed RN. But after that...I just don't know. I don't want to work in a hospital. I don't want to just get a job to say I have one or bring home a pay check. I really want to start a nonprofit. I want to go back to Kenya. I want to go back to the slum and give those kids a big hug. I want someone to yell out "muzungu" and point and laugh. I want to drink tea sweetened with milk and sugar. I want to vaccinate new babies and reassure their mothers that they will grow up protected for diseases like polio and measles. But ultimately, I want to do God's will.

Despite my complete fear and trepidation related to going to clinicals at the hospital, God was so faithful to me. Yesterday I had a big opportunity to love on a woman who really was being overlooked and set aside by the rest of the staff. I was in a position where I had plenty of time to listen and reassure, and I know it was time well spent. It is a horrible thing to have a patient tell you that "everybody is ignoring me and don't take me seriously." There is a lot of grace involved in nursing- patients do not necessarily behave in ways that deserves good nursing care but you do it anyway. You set aside your own judgments and conceptions and agenda, and you provide the best possible care for that person. By the end of today, I somehow was managing a full patient load (under the supervision of a patient and competent nurse). After taking on a more official role as a "nurse", I just come to realize more and more that what I love is just being with the patient. I love getting to know them. I love reaffirming their thoughts and listening to their griefs. I see it as such a privilege that these people I have never met trust me to care for them, often in very intimate ways.

God's blessings have come in other ways as well. Last week, I received a donation for the clinic from a woman I have never met. I was overwhelmed that someone who believe so strongly in my own passion and vision for Imara that they would be willing to donate some of their finances. I was also blessed to receive a beautiful letter from a girl I use to babysit who now lives in Britain. In her 9-year-old cursive, she recollected her days of life as a "year 4" and just reminded me of the simple joys of life. My sister is currently serving the Lord in Africa and I am just so excited to be able to connect with her when she returns.

My whole life I have had a plan. In the past months, I have let more and more parts of that plan go as I yield to the Lord's will for my life. I have had to learn what faith really is. Faith isn't drafting the plan and going to God for a stamp of approval. So what is my next step? I can honestly say "I don't know, but God does." And for now, I will continue to watch the staircase unfold before me, ascending one step at a time.